As TV shows from America’s Funniest Home Videos to Jackass have proven, watching strangers fuck up is endlessly entertaining. Seeing strangers fuck is even more entertaining, as anyone who’s peeped through a neighbor’s bedroom window on a Saturday night can attest. Put those two must-sees together in prime time, and the result would be a ratings blockbuster! • Unfortunately, we live in a world where the only on-air hard-ons are the kind that wear suits and ties and deliver the news, not the kind that worm between a slut’s thighs and delve into her cooze. There’s always a thong covering every brazen beach babe’s butt crack. And you won’t find a single gap shot in all those Gap spots.
That means viewers won’t be turning on the boobless tube anytime soon to watch enthusiastic backyard amateurs doing crazy stunts while plugging creamy cunts. You won’t get to witness flagrantly fornicating couples dodging disaster on frantic freeways or bungee-jumping from bridges with balls, boners and breasts bared or tenderly tasering each other’s tight tushes during torrid t te- -t tes.
Knowing they have no chance of getting those kinds of X-rated efforts on the air, why would extreme exhibitionists submit such material? Why would a numb-nuts skate punk go to the trouble of boning his babe while surfing a metal stair rail and expect the resulting video to pop up in prime time? What skydiving schmuck would think he had a shot at a network cash prize by giving his inamorata an airborne anal invasion? Why is it that dozens of these dirty-minded dumb-asses send in their death-defying dick-in-Jane daredevil demonstrations daily?
To find out, let’s go to the videotapes.
Now HERE’S A GUY WHO TRULY GIVES A FLYING FUCK
“I wanted to screw my girlfriend while jumping my Harley over the narrow end of an abandoned limestone quarry,” says Dave-O, a community college dropout. “She’d lie back naked on the tank, showing off her big tits and blonde pussy and the flaming-dice tattoo on her belly, and I’d stand on the bike’s pegs to slam my dick in and out of her fuckhole while I gunned the throttle. Then I’d race up a plywood ramp, grab big air and execute a perfect doughnut on touchdown. If my timing was right, I’d slide my cock free and pop off like a bottle of victory champagne on Dawn’s sweaty body for the grand finale.
“I figured some Hollywood big shot might see the tape if we sent copies to all the reality show producers. That way, I could end up getting work as either a movie stuntman, a bike racer or a porn star. Any one of those jobs would be A-OK with me!
“I drafted my roommate Frankie as cameraman. He’d already seen me do Dawn plenty of times in our shithole studio apartment. I used to ask the big load to give us some privacy when Dawn came over, but eventually he got pissed about vacating the premises. He started giving me the stink-eye and the silent treatment, which was no fun.
“When I mentioned that to Dawn, she said, ‘Why don’t we give the slob a cheap thrill next time instead of making him split? I don’t care if you don’t. Fuck, it might even be fun.’
“Call me kinky, but I liked the idea of getting it on in front of Frankie. It was kind of a power thing. I’d be rubbing his nose in the fact that I had a chick who was ready to strip and spread whenever I wanted to screw. Frankie might be able to kick my ass at Nintendo and arm wrestling, but I knew for a fact he didn’t have any place to stick his dick.
“When Dawn showed up the next night, fat Frankie reluctantly climbed out of his sagging recliner and lumbered toward the door. ‘Go on and sit back down,’ she told him as she came in. She placed a small hand against his chubby chest and gently pushed him backward. ‘I feel bad making you leave Dave-O and me alone all the time. From now on, everything’s going to be cool.’
“Frankie looked puzzled as he eased back into his ancient La-Z-Boy. Dawn joined me on the ratty sofa that folded out to make my bed. Frankie slept on a mattress on a homemade loft space in the corner.
“As Frankie watched whatever the hell was on TV, Dawn and I started making out. She casually unbuttoned her blouse and undid the front clasp of her bra, freeing her big tits. When I rolled and pinched her nipples, she unzipped my pants and started tugging my cock. With no hesitation at all, she leaned over my lap to blow me.
“Frankie was sneaking peeks at us from the corner of his eye, but we didn’t care. I could tell Dawn enjoyed having an audience. She was being a lot more active and vocal than usual, really bobbing her head and moaning while she sucked my dick.
“‘Lick my pussy,’ she breathed, hiking up her skirt. ‘Pull off my panties. Eat me!’
“I did as I was told. She held onto the back of my head while I lapped and sucked her cunt. Then she took both hands away. When I looked up, her eyes were closed and she was playing with her nipples.
“I couldn’t resist a sight like that. I got in position and shoved my prick inside her. Dawn let out little yelps and cries, squirming her ass around and really getting into things. Frankie’s furtive glances had turned into one long, thoroughly captivated stare.
“‘Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me,’ Dawn quietly groaned, fingering her clit while I plowed her. Her breath started coming in short gasps. She let out a tiny, high-pitched squeal as she came. I slipped out of her twat when I was ready to shoot. She put her mouth over my dickhead. I let fly with everything in me and watched her gulp it all down.
“Sounding and looking half-stoned, Dawn glanced over at Frankie. She said, ‘Did you like the show?’ He nodded stupidly. Dawn added, ‘You don’t mind if we fuck in front of you from now on, do you?’ He slowly shook his head, still dazed. Later, after Dawn had left and all the lights were out, I heard Frankie jerking off in bed. Mission accomplished!
“Things got easier after that. Dawn and I would walk around the place naked and screw whenever the urge arose, as if Frankie weren’t even there. He never tried hitting on her. He never even talked to her, for that matter. He was stunned and intimidated, but he sure liked watching us get it on. He was so into watching us fuck that I knew he would be glad to act as cameraman on my stunt project.
“The big day finally arrived, and it was warm and sunny. And Dawn’s period had just ended, so she was horny as hell. The water level at the bottom of the old quarry was lower than usual, at least a hundred feet below the lip. That would make my jump look even more dramatic. We set up the plywood take-off and landing ramps.
“Dawn shucked her clothes and got onto the bike, lying back with her arms out over the handlebars and her legs wrapped around my waist. Her bumpy nipples stood up proud and stiff from the pale curves of her fine, full tits. She’d shaved her pussy bare to show off her lips. While Frankie rolled tape, I positioned my prick at the mouth of Dawn’s cunt and pushed inside.
“Revving the Harley’s engine, I started fucking Dawn, sliding back and forth in her tight snatch like a greased piston. I was so turned that I felt like I could fly over the thirty-yard chasm in front of me on my own power. I nodded at Frankie, popped a wheelie that made Dawn cry out and raced for the ramp. We hit the wood and were up, engine screaming, Dawn’s cunt squeezing my cock so hard I thought I’d come on the spot.
“We weren’t going to make it. The bike was dropping too fast, but Dawn had no idea. She was looking up at me like I was a fucking god, her big blue eyes full of love. I knew what I had to do.
“Quickly grabbing Dawn around her bare back with one arm, I kicked the heavy bike away. Dawn’s eyes went wide. She scrambled to hold onto my neck as our inertia carried us the rest of the way across the chasm. I made a desperate one-handed reach for a thick bush growing out of the far wall. We hit its rocky surface so hard that my dick popped out of Dawn’s naked body. I heard the Harley splash into the water a hundred feet below as we just hung there, praying that the prickly bush had strong roots and that my arm would hold out. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that my cock started spurting semen into the void.
“After what seemed like forever, Frankie finally made his way to our side of the gap and threw down a rope. Dawn stormed off without even thanking me for saving her life. When I watched the tape playback, I saw that dumb-fuck Frankie had followed the falling Harley instead of recording my thrilling leap to salvation.
“I sent the tape around anyway. Nobody has called me to La-La Land yet, but Dawn was FedExed one-way air fare to California by a casting agent. I haven’t heard from her since.
“These days, Frankie isn’t the only one jerking himself to sleep at night. But what the hell? That’s show biz!”
STUNT STUD HOPES HE DIDN’T TRAIN IN VAIN
“It seemed like a simple enough idea,” remembers T.C., a muscular pipefitter with an easygoing drawl. “I started out doggie-style fucking Bonnie on a grassy bluff above the train tracks, just outside of town. She’s always up for something wild and dirty, probably because she’s a preacher’s daughter. She’s got the sweetest ass in three counties, a pair of titties that’d make your mouth water and a slice of peach-pie heaven in between her long legs.
“My buddy Deke had camera duty. I held Bonnie’s creamy buttcheeks open real wide so Deke could zoom in on my big black dick sliding in and out of her little white-girl pussy. Bonnie was so tight that her inner lips clung to my dark meat on the outstrokes like a shining pink collar around a big black panther. She was grunting and groaning and throwing her blonde hair around while I screwed her on the grass.
“We heard the rumble of the cargo train approaching on the tracks below. Deke handed me a thick rope whose other end we had tied to an overhanging branch earlier. I asked Bonnie, ‘You ready, baby?’
“She grunted, ‘Uh-huh.’
“Never breaking stride, I kept pumping into Bonnie’s pussy while eyeballing the train. Ten cars back was an empty flatbed car. That would be the one.
“‘This is it,’ I said. ‘Let’s go!’
Bonnie raised up, reached behind herself and locked her arms around my waist. We got to our feet without losing contact between prick and pussy. I gripped the rope two-handed and pushed off from the bluff’s edge. The two of us swung through the air like a naked black Tarzan with his joint buried in a jiggling white Jane.
“We wanted to swing right over the floor of that flatbed between two container cars, emerge on the other side of the train and make a soft landing in the grass. Unfortunately, horny Bonnie was so into our screw that she kept thrusting her bare ass back against my crotch during the arc of the swing.
“I lost my grip on the rope. We fell right onto the hard wooden floor of the flatbed. The train was going so fast we couldn’t get off the damned thing until it stopped in a stockyard two states away. We spent our travel time picking splinters out of our asses.
“Getting back home involved stealing some clothes, boosting a wallet and ‘borrowing’ a car, but the video was worth it. We’re sure that some TV show producer will want to give us a fat cash prize for footage of a black stud boning a fine white girl in mid-air over a speeding train. And if they don’t, we can always go to Plan B: Sue the network-TV motherfuckers for discrimination!”
CORNHOLE-ON-ICE STUNT IS COLDER THAN A BITCH’S TIT
“My dopey girlfriend Ellie came up with the idea,” says Paul. “She’s so sexy she can talk a guy into anything, even if he knows it’s stupid or downright dangerous. It’s hard to say no to a girl who has a model’s face, D-cup tits and a constant craving for anal sex.
“That last quality is Ellie’s main asset. I’ve never known any girl who likes taking it up the butt as much as she does. Being a spoiled brat, she always insists on being on top, where she can control all the action. She totally gets off on taking a hard dick in her sweet ass and riding it until she climaxes.
“As for me, I love spreading her firm cheeks, sliding my cock inside the rim of her pink pucker and driving up inside that hot, silky hole. When she’s sitting on my pole and facing me, I can watch her round tits bounce around on her narrow chest. When she faces away, I can hold her butt open to watch my cock go in and out of her stretched-wide shitter. As far as I’m concerned, she’s perfect from any angle.
“Ellie told me she used to love it when her old man took her ice fishing near her parents’ vacation cabin. She asked if I would go there with her sometime, just the two of us. I had absolutely no desire to freeze my nuts off sitting in a fishing hut on a frozen lake, but she pouted so much that I finally gave in.
“Then she added, ‘Let’s bring along a camera and take video of us doing it on the ice. We can slide around screwing on a sled. Maybe we can get the tape on one of those reality TV shows!’
“I knew there was no way in hell that any TV show would put that kind of thing on the air, but I kept my mouth shut. A fuck’s a fuck, I thought, and sticking my cock up Ellie’s little brown asshole would definitely beat staring at a little round ice-hole.
“So we got out on the ice and mounted the camera on a tripod near the hut. The temperature was below freezing, but there was no wind, so it wasn’t too bad. Ellie told me to lie back on the flat wooden sled with just my cock out. She’d already taken her jeans and panties off. That meant she was wearing nothing at all between the stretchy waistband of her pink ski parka and the tops of her woolen knee socks.
“She’d already generously lubed her asshole in the hut, so she was ready for action. She squatted down over me, straddling my body on the narrow sled. She grabbed my throbbing dick and placed its tip directly against her sphincter. I felt her warm, greasy asshole slowly open to admit the head of my cock. Ellie stared directly into the camera lens and sat down hard on my prick, taking its entire length up her asshole in one smooth motion.
“The sled scraped around a little on the ice, sliding back and forth as Ellie bounced on my dick. She leaned against me to stretch out flat, pressing the back of her fur-trimmed hood against my face. Then she pulled up her knees, fully exposing her meaty pussy to the videocamera. More important, she was providing a perfect view of my cock plunging in and out of her ass.
“Ellie reached up and behind herself to grip the handles of the sled’s wooden crossbar, on either side of my head. I didn’t mind being nearly smothered by her hood. My mind was completely focused on our fuck.
“Ellie’s butthole was so incredibly hot that I forgot all about the chilly weather. I was just starting to think this icy assfuck wasn’t really much of a stunt when she surprised me. She abruptly moved to place the soles of her hiking boots on either side of the sled, straddling the thing. Then she kicked out with all her strength.
“The sled flew backwards across the glassy ice, directly away from the camera. I grabbed Ellie’s tits through her parka and held on tight. With almost no friction between the sled’s runners and the frozen lake, it felt like we were flying. Ellie kept squeezing down hard on my dick with her bung, which only added to the excitement.
“Then I remembered something that I’d seen earlier. I craned my neck to look behind me, so I could see in the direction we were heading. And sure enough, thirty feet away there was a warning sign that said, ‘Thin Ice.’ And we were headed right for it.
“I struggled to roll the two of us from the speeding sled, but Ellie had a strong grip on the crossbar and wasn’t letting go. She seemed to think that I was only squirming in the throes of passion. I shouted into the back of her hood, ‘We’ve got to get off! Now!’ She misinterpreted my meaning.
“‘Now you’re talking, lover,’ she moaned, grinding her spread ass even more energetically against my crotch.
“By the time I succeeded in tumbling her from the sled, we were well into the danger zone. The impact of our bodies on the fragile ice layer shattered it, sending us into the freezing water.
“We pulled apart as we struggled madly to get back onto thicker ice. Freed from the intense heat of Ellie’s asshole, my dick suddenly felt like a frozen cocksicle. My nuts were a shriveled pair of ice cubes. I was ready to pass out.
“I felt Ellie grab the collar of my down jacket and tug me up toward the unbroken ice. She climbed from the water first, then helped me out. We stumbled toward the shore and the cabin and the blessedly roaring fireplace we knew was waiting inside.
“Although neither of us got frostbite, things definitely got frosty between us for a few minutes. That’s because Ellie admitted aiming us toward the thin ice on purpose. ‘Every tape that gets on those TV shows has to end with some total-disaster screwup,’ she explained, so I had to do it. Otherwise, all we’d have was an amateur anal sex video. Nobody would run that.’ She almost made it sound reasonable.
“I probably should have stayed mad longer, but we had stripped off our wet clothes by then and were both naked. Ellie looked so deliciously sexy in front of the fire that I had something more important than fighting in mind. I hadn’t managed to come before taking that icy dip in the lake, and the crack of Ellie’s beautiful ass looked mighty inviting.
“What I wanted more than anything was to get back inside her bare backside, for the kind of ride that would thaw a pair of very blue balls! And Ellie, being Ellie didn’t disappoint.”
Contact the scribe of St. James Place by e-mail at stjamesdawson.com
The wedding was only minutes away. The church was full. The organ music was playing. Decked out in my best man’s best, I was standing at the back of the chapel with the groom-to-be and the minister, who was about to make one hell of an interesting proposition.
My soon-to-be-hitched pal already should have been having second thoughts. After all, he was a dude who had gotten way more than his share of tail for years. He’d fucked everything from barely legal sluts to older-and-bolder babes, all up and down the East coast. I couldn’t imagine him ever being happy having sex with only one woman for the rest of his life.
One of his earliest fuck-and-tell tales involved driving a fellow senior to their suburban high school. This chick wasn’t his girlfriend, just somebody from the neighborhood who needed a ride. And she definitely got one.
She sure must have liked his way with a line, because not long into the trip they pulled onto the shoulder of the road. She wanted to stretch out and get it missionary style, which meant opening the side door of his subcompact. She peeled off her panties, tugged up her skirt and spread her legs.
“I had to hold her head in my hands while I banged her, because she was hanging out the side of the car,” my friend said. “We were parked a few blocks from school on a main road. People were driving by us, honking and yelling and laughing, but she didn’t even notice. She was making so much noise she never heard a thing!”
He had lots of other great stories. He fucked his boss’s daughter and dumped her so artfully that he not only didn’t get fired but ended up with a promotion. He took home free groceries by taking care of a horny cashier. Even when he was selling blood to a plasma bank for rent money, he always had a warm place to park his prick. Basically, he lived the life of a guy in a porn video. If he’d ever worked as a pizza-delivery boy, he would have been the one to get pussy as a tip. And now he was getting ready to give all that up.
The fiftyish minister looked at us with a sly smile. “There’s one thing I have to tell you before we do this,” he said to my friend. “The door in front of you leads to the chapel, where your bride will be soon. The door over there leads to the parking lot. Nobody can decide which door you should go through. Not your best man, not me, only you. So you better be sure about which one you pick.”
Me, I thought that was pretty damned profound for a man of the cloth. My friend, however, only smiled . . . and opened the door to the chapel.
That was three wives ago for him. One of these days, the dumb son of a bitch is going to wise up and pick the right door.
THIS GUY WANTS TO HAVE HIS WEDDING CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO
“We’ve all heard that wearing a wedding ring always makes a man seem more attractive to the opposite sex,” says Doug. “That line women use about how all the good ones are taken says it all. Married guys are no better than the single ones, but chicks always want what they aren’t supposed to have. That made me feel better about the prospect of getting hitched. And you better believe I got used to the idea fast. I’d be taking my girlfriend Shelley out of circulation, and I’d be able to step out on her with every hot-tailed bitch who suddenly found me irresistible! Sure, I knew that was a double standard, but as far as I was concerned, before I came along Shelley had slutted it up enough to last her a lifetime.
“She told me she once went through a phase where she was into three-ways. Not the kind guys like, with two girls and a guy. She meant her with two men. ‘I loved sucking one dick while another one was in my cunt,’ she said. ‘I liked being on all fours with a cock in my face and another one pumping me doggie-style. Four strong hands would be all over my body, fingering my asshole and rubbing my clit and pinching my tits. Fuck, that felt good!’
“I was crazy for that sexy slut, but I didn’t want to share her with anybody. That’s why I asked her to marry me. I was surprised she accepted so fast. I couldn’t believe that a girl who loved sex as much as she did would consider tying the knot. Later, I found out why she’d been so eager.
“Lila, the girl Shelley had asked to be her maid of honor, dropped by my place the next week. She was dressed like a sponge girl at a whorehouse car wash, in a narrow tube-top and a pair of Daisy Dukes. She said she thought the two of us should ‘get to know each other better’ before the ceremony. You’re ahead of me already, so I won’t make you wait for the punch line. Lila wanted to fuck me. My stock had gone up even before I had the ring on my finger!
“When she pushed down her tube top to show me her tits, I unzipped and pulled out my bone. Lila went to her knees and started blowing me where I stood. I held onto her head and fucked her mouth. Women are such competitive bitches, and right then I was pretty happy about it. The girl Shelley thought was her best friend was milking my cock for all she was worth.
“I grabbed her under her arms and tossed her onto my couch. She got rid of her shorts fast. Her pubic hair was trimmed so close that the inner lips of her cunt protruded from her slit like pink butterfly wings.
“I pushed up her knees to eat her pussy, probing her folds and her fuckhole with my tongue. Her juice was sweet and creamy. She was ready for love, that’s for sure. I positioned my cock at the bottom of her slot and pushed inside.
“‘You don’t want to marry Shelley, baby,’ she moaned as I pumped her. ‘She only said yes because she wants to quit her job, sit around the house all day and get fat. She told me so herself. Keep fucking me. Yeah, just like that. Go faster. Shelley’s such a whore. Such a goddamned stupid pig. Come on my tits, baby. I want to watch you shoot. I want to see you come.’
“Maybe Lila was talking trash just to make herself look good. Then again, maybe she was telling the truth. Either way, I decided right then and there that I’d be an idiot to go through with the wedding. It was time for me to make an adjustment to my plans.
“First, though, I’d give Lila what she wanted. I slipped my cock out of her cunt, grabbed it in my fist and pumped it like a shotgun. I striped her face and tits with my load, then I slipped my cock back into her mouth.
“We messed around some more that night, getting busy on the floor, my bed and even in the shower. When Lila left, I called Shelley. I told her I wanted to stay engaged, but I didn’t want to get married right away. In fact, I didn’t want to set a date at all. She tried to get me to change my mind, but I held my ground.
“I smiled when I hung up the phone. Now Shelley would stay slim and sexy and gainfully employed, waiting for a wedding day that never would come. Meanwhile, her friends would keep backstabbing her during our endless engagement by sucking and fucking me like sneaky sluts.
“It was exactly the situation I had dreamed about when I popped the question, except now I wouldn’t have to rent a tux!”
WOULD-BE GROOM FINDS OUT MOTHER-IN-LAW KNOWS BEST
“My college girlfriend and I were virgins when we started dating, and we ended up being each other’s first lay,” reports Stu. “All my friends told me I should see other girls, but I was so in love with Tammy I didn’t want to be with anybody else. I asked her to marry me during the second semester of freshman year.
“I phoned up Tammy’s parents from school to formally ask for her hand in marriage. ‘Is Mr. Taylor there?’ I asked.
“‘He’s making dinner, Stu. Is there anything I can help you with?’
“It was Tammy’s mother. I’d always been intimidated by her. While Tammy was petite, shy and small-breasted, her mom was tall, brassy and stacked. She looked more like Tammy’s slutty big sister than her mom, and she always wore tight skirts and low-cut blouses.
“‘Actually, I’m calling to ask for his blessing,’ I told Mrs. Taylor. ‘Tammy and I want to get married.’
“‘Jesus Christ,’ she said. I heard her take a long drag on her cigarette and exhale. ‘Christ on a crutch!’
“I didn’t know how to respond, so I kept quiet. After an uncomfortable silence, Mrs. Taylor said, ‘Listen, Stu. Get your ass up to the house Saturday, around noon. Just you, don’t bring Tammy. We need to have a little talk.’ Then she hung up.
“Tammy’s parents lived about three hundred miles from the college, but I knew that if I wanted to marry Tammy I had no choice. I left school at the crack of dawn for the drive.
“Mrs. Taylor answered the door in an untied red robe. The flashes of skin I saw made it obvious she was naked underneath. I pretended not to notice her nipples poking through the thin satin and the halos surrounding them.
“She didn’t say anything, she just stood aside to let me in the house. Her robe fell completely open as I walked past her. My heart pounded like a drum when I got a look at her crotch. She was completely shaved down there. Her cunt lips were thick and puffy. What a body! If I didn’t know better, I’d have guessed she was twenty-five instead of closing in on forty.
“What came next was no teasing, Hollywood-style seduction scene. She tossed off her robe and stood completely naked, showing off her stiff nipples and her shaved pussy and all that beautiful, smooth skin. She took a seat on the living room sofa, leaning way back. She drew up a knee to place one of her bare feet on a cushion, showing me her entire hairless cunt.
“I was speechless, standing there staring at her like an idiot. She gave me a smile that was more like a smirk. ‘Tammy told me you two were each other’s first fucks,’ she said.
“I was so embarrassed that my face felt hot, but that remark made me go even redder. I couldn’t believe Tammy had talked about her sex life with her mom. I started to mumble something, but Mrs. Taylor cut me off.
“‘Listen up, Stuart. I don’t want my only daughter tied down to some clueless, fumbling dipshit like her limp-dicked father. If you really want to marry Tammy, you’re going to have to prove you know how to please a woman.’
“She let her legs gap open. She even reached down and gave her mound a quick, meaningful rub.
“Up to that point, I never thought I was the kind of guy who would cheat. I thought Tammy and I had something special and pure between us, something that would last forever. I thought nobody could make me want to stray. Boy, was I wrong! Standing there in her parent’s living room, I was so hot for her mother that my throbbing dick felt like it had a tourniquet wrapped around it. Prove that I could please a woman? You’re damn right I’d prove it!
“I shucked my clothes while Mrs. Taylor rubbed her cunt in little circles. My cock stood straight up against my belly. I got between her legs and clumsily tried filling her hole.
“‘Not so fast, stud,’ she said, pushing me away. ‘You’re going to have to eat me before you fuck me. And I don’t mean just a quick lick, either.’ She pulled her knees against her big, firm tits, tilting her pelvis up.
“Tammy and I had experimented a little with oral sex, but not much. Tammy thought it was dirty the first time I went down on her, and she never wanted me to do it again. When I tried getting her to blow me, she said that sucking my dick wasn’t gonna happen.
“‘Eat my pussy, Stu,’ Mrs. Taylor said. ‘Lick it all over. And suck my clit.’
“I tasted her getting wetter. That made me like what I was doing even more. I fluttered my tongue all over her pink lips. I fucked her slit with my tongue. When she told me to stick a finger up her ass, I used two. I was so turned on that my dick started leaking pre-come. ‘I’ve got to fuck you,’ I said, half-pleading from between her legs. ‘I’ll explode if I don’t.’
“‘Don’t be so fucking selfish,’ she said. ‘Turn around here and put your dick in my face while you eat me. I’ll take care of you.’
“I knelt down on top of her naked, sweaty body. She grabbed my dick and put her mouth over it, taking almost the whole thing down her throat. I held her cunt lips open and kept licking and sucking her pussy.
“Mrs. Taylor was milking my dick so hard that I lost control and started to gush. She kept her lips sealed around the base of my dick and swallowed every spurt. I sucked her clit even harder, working my fingers in and out of her asshole. She bucked against my face and had a climax that was more dramatic than Tammy’s ever were.
“Mrs. Taylor thrust me back against the couch cushions and rubbed her big tits in my face. ‘Let’s see how fast you can get that dick hard again,’ she said, reaching behind herself to grab it. ‘Tammy’s mama wants to get fucked!’
“It took maybe half a minute before I was good-to-go again. Mrs. Taylor held my prick upright and sat on it, giving an all-over shudder as it disappeared inside her body. She bounced up and down on me, her tits swinging back and forth and side to side. She ran her fingers through her thick hair, squeezed her eyes shut and bit down hard on her bottom lip. I held onto her womanly hips and enjoyed the show.
“‘Fuck, fuck, fuck!’ she said, groaning through a second orgasm. She reached back and squeezed my balls. ‘Give me some more come,’ she panted. ‘Fill my cunt with it.’ I was happy to oblige.
“We moved into the bedroom for even more sucking and fucking. I didn’t know where her husband was, and I didn’t care. I assumed she told him to make himself scarce for the day.
“By the time I stumbled back to my car, Mrs. Taylor had shown me there was a shitload more to sex than what her prudish daughter had been giving me. I decided to call off the wedding plans as soon as I got back to campus. From that day forward, I planned on fucking lots more older women who knew what they wanted and knew what they were doing instead of timid little teenage tight-asses like Tammy.
“Maybe that had been Mrs. Taylor’s plan all along. I didn’t know. What I did know was that she had invited me back to her house the next Saturday, and that was good enough for me!”
Contact the scribe of St. James Place by e-mail at stjamesdawson.com
You remember her. You wish you didn’t, but you do.
She’s the diametric opposite of the perfect, one-that-got-away, incredible piece of ass you can’t believe you were lucky enough to nail in the first place. This one is the anti-babe, a hot-but-horrorshow ‘ho, the bottom of your personal boned-’em barrel.
That’s because the lady is a skank.
Every time she crosses your mind, you wonder what the hell you were thinking. She was so sleazy, so vulgar, so downright nasty that you should have put your hands over your crotch and run in the other direction the second you met her. How could you have been so desperate, pathetic and stupid to have hooked up with a chick like that?
Then it all comes back. Maybe you were a little drunk. Maybe it was late. Maybe you were so backed up with man-juice you were perfectly willing to toss out your standards, not to mention your self-respect. Still, you can’t completely lay the blame for what happened on liquor, last call or lust.
Damned if you can recall what it might be, but there was something about her that you couldn’t resist. Knowing that you would regret screwing her didn’t stop you. Knowing that if any future girlfriend ever found out you’d been with that no-class scrag, she’d ditch you in contempt and take a steel-wool shower didn’t stop you, either. Your dick completely overrode your brain that night, giving you an unexplainable, irresistible urge to pick up the trash.
And the worst part? Every now and then, when you’re in bed with a girl who is prettier, smarter, nicer and better acquainted with soap, you can’t help thinking back to that secret session of sweaty, steamy, shameful sex . . . and wanting to do it all over again.
ONE MAN’S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN’S TRAMP
“I heard noises outside my apartment that woke me up one night,” says Craig, an electrician’s assistant. “When I looked out of my second-floor window, I noticed somebody was in one of the Dumpsters, rummaging around in the shadows. I had parked my car right next to the thing the night before. I was worried that the bum might mess with my wheels after he finished picking through the garbage.
“Something big got thrown out of the Dumpster and landed on my car’s hood with a clunk. I ran to my balcony and yelled, ‘Hey, asshole! Get the fuck outta there or I’ll call the cops!’
“I expected some scruffy, bearded freak to stick up his head and tell me to go to hell. Instead, a skinny chick with thick blonde hair stood and turned toward me, lit by a streetlight. She was wearing shorts and a halter top that came up tight under her big tits. She looked at me with a sneer.
“‘Go fuck yourself, shithead!’ she snapped, flipping me off. ‘I’m looking for something.’
“I figured the dirty-mouthed slut must have been one of my neighbors, and I felt like a jerk for jumping to conclusions. I wondered what she could have thrown out by mistake that was so important.
“‘Sorry. My bad,’ I said, giving her my best nice-guy smile. I made a note to watch for her around the building the next day.
“I was about to go back inside when she called out, ‘You got a real nice chest. You work out?’ She sounded a little stoned, maybe drunk. Not like that was a bad thing.
“I realized I was wearing only my boxers. ‘Yeah,’ I lied. ‘Thanks.’ Then I added the only thing I could think of, even though I knew it sounded lame. ‘Hey, you want to come up for a drink or something?’
“She climbed out of the Dumpster, giving me a look at her long, bare legs. ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘What the fuck?’
“I threw on a pair of pants and a shirt before she came up, ran a brush through my hair and rinsed my mouth. I couldn’t believe this stranger was actually going to come party with me just like that. It was my lucky night.
“I didn’t feel quite so lucky when I opened the door. She wasn’t as cute up close as she was from thirty feet away. She looked ten years older than me, with skin that had tanned way too many times. Then again, she was in my apartment at two in the morning and was dressed like a hooker, which was definitely working in her favor.
“‘Hey,’ I said. ‘I’m Marty.’
“She glided in, rolling her hips like a stripper. I ignored the fact that she smelled slightly of the garbage she had been picking through. ‘Cecilia,’ she said, taking in the place and looking unimpressed.
“She already had a nearly empty longneck bottle in her hand, the same brand I drank. I got her a fresh one from the fridge. She took it and sprawled on my couch with her legs spread. Her tits were practically falling out of her halter top. Her shorts were cut so high that I could see up one of the leg holes to the dark curls of her pubic hair.
“‘Like what you see?’ she asked, tilting up her bottle for a long swig. She gapped her legs farther apart while I stood there and stared. ‘Why don’t you take a fuckin’ picture?’
“Her attitude should have turned me off, but my dick was getting so hard I had to adjust my pants. She was nothing like the ‘nice’ girls I usually dated. She was crude, bitchy, snide and so sexy I wanted to jump on top of her.
“‘Sorry,’ I said.
“‘Sorry? Yeah, you’ll be sorry if you don’t get your ass over here and get busy. I came up here to get fucked, not to have a conversation.’
“I knew I should have declined the offer. I should have marched her to the door and said, ‘Maybe some other time,’ then spent the rest of my life avoiding her. But when she undid her halter and let those big, round tits out, I was lost.
“I leaned her back and sucked one of her puffy nipples while I fingered the other one. She unzipped, whipped off her frayed shorts and started rubbing her bushy mound. She took one of my hands and put it on her cunt. I dipped in a finger, then two. She was wet, warm and slippery.
“‘Eat my box, baby,’ she slurred. ‘Get down there and suck my cunt.’
“I went to my knees and buried my face in her creamy muff. She was funky and hot. I held her cunt lips apart with my thumbs and ran my tongue up and down the inner folds of her pussy, lost in the aroma.
“‘Damn, that’s nice, baby,’ she moaned. ‘Now put your dick in me and ride me home.’
“I fucked her so hard my couch still sags. She was twisting one of my nipples and squeezing my nuts the whole time, sending me into another world.
“‘That’s it, motherfucker!’ she said, thrusting her crotch against mine and rubbing herself. ‘Fuck that pussy! Fuck it good! Fuck it better than those other two lousy sons of bitches!’
“I didn’t have time to wonder what she meant by that. I groaned and gushed everything I had inside her. She came with a series of high-pitched yelps.
“As soon as I finished shooting my sperm, I felt as if a hypnotist had snapped his fingers. I looked down at slutty, smelly Cecilia and wished that I could beam myself away to anyplace else on the planet. Just because I had to confirm the worst, I asked her, ‘What were you looking for in that Dumpster, anyway?”
“‘Something to eat, dumbass. What the fuck do you think?’ She held up her beer bottle and added, ‘By the way, you got any more empties?’”
CENSUS-TAKER GETS TO PUT IT WHERE IT COUNTS
“I was a volunteer census-taker a couple of years back in West Virginia, going for extra credit in my public-policy course at college,” says Joe. “I got sent to a backwoods, dirt-road county where the residents probably thought fire was a recent invention. I got threatened with shotguns and dogs enough times that I was about to throw my clipboard in a ‘crick’ and quit. Then I met MaryLou.
“She came to the door of her weather-beaten shack wearing a faded blue rag of a dress and no shoes. I wish I could say she was a healthy nature-girl with an innocently radiant beauty and a shy disposition, but the truth is that she was more like the Whore of Happy Holler, with way too much cheap makeup and hair teased out like a country-music queen. Whatever was on the wood-burning stove behind her smelled like boiled manure.
“‘What ‘choo want?’ she drawled. Something about the way she stood, with her braless boobs thrust forward and a hand on one shapely hip, was simultaneously sexy and intimidating.
“She twisted a strand of her coal-black hair around a finger and chewed it as I explained my mission. She impatiently interrupted my spiel. ‘You wanna fuck mah ass or jes’ stan’ there jibber-jabberin’ all day?’ I stared at her, too shocked to answer. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. ‘It ain’t no trick question, stranger.’
“I thought about my high-society parents, my sorority-president fianc e and all of my rich-kid friends. I thought about my future plans to graduate with honors, become a law partner and eventually run for elected office. Then MaryLou puckered her too-red lips at me and stepped back, letting me see a quilt-covered brass bed.
“This would be so incredibly stupid and wrong, I thought. On a purely intellectual basis, if someone back at my Ivy League school had asked what I would do in this sort of situation, I would have laughed it off as a ridiculous proposition. Of course I would refuse a proposal that indecent. But somehow, standing in the middle of nowhere with nobody around to know, all my defenses broke down. ‘How much?’ I said.
“‘A ten-spot oughta cover it,’ she said. Cheap as that was, I got the feeling from the look in her eyes that she was jacking up the price because I was a city-slicker. I fumbled for my wallet and forked over the money. She stuck it in one of her dress’s patch pockets.
“The floorboards creaked as I stepped inside. She pulled her dress over her head. Nothing underneath, just pale white skin. I shucked my clothes in a hurry as she climbed onto the bed on all fours, her butt raised high, cheeks spread. Her asshole was like a pink lifesaver above the slit of her pussy. ‘The butter’s raht there,’ she said, indicating a leaning chest of drawers. ‘Ah jes’ churned it this mornin’.’
“I frowned, then understood. I used my fingers to scoop a big dollop of the stuff from the crockery bowl. I rubbed it up and down MaryLou’s crack, then inside the crinkled rim of her anus. I met almost no resistance. She obviously had lots of experience at this–unlike my prim-and-proper fianc e, who resolutely refuses to let me get my prick anywhere near her asshole.
“I slathered some butter onto my cock, which was so hard it was bouncing up and down. I got behind MaryLou and positioned my rod against her anus. I planned to go slow because I’d always heard that was the way to do it, but MaryLou pushed back against my crotch and took the whole thing up her greased ass at one time.
“Warm, melting butter dripped from her crack and ran down my balls as I fucked her butt. MaryLou closed her eyes and groaned with what sounded like real pleasure. I was such a son of a bitch, I thought. Such a bastard, fucking a hillbilly whore in the ass for ten lousy bucks. God, it was wonderful. Only one thing in the world could make it better.
“‘I want to come in your mouth,’ I said. ‘I want to go right from your hot, slippery ass to your mouth.’
“‘Then do it, fucker,’ she said, squeezing down on my cock with her sphincter. ‘Go ahead and do it.’
“I pulled out of her asshole and moved up the bed. She put her mouth right over my greasy, dirty dick. I came harder than ever before in my life.
“Then I had that classic, post-climax, ‘What the hell have I done?’ reaction. Jesus Christ, I thought to myself. What if my opponent in some future Senate race finds out about this sordid, shithole screw? I wanted to get my ass out of that shack, and fast.
“I hurried into my clothes. MaryLou reached for a Mason jar on the other side of the bed. She stuck my ten-dollar bill inside, saying, ‘That’s a raht nice take for one afternoon.’ I noticed that the jar had a bunch of bills in it. But they were singles, not tens. I looked back at MaryLou. She gave me a ‘gotcha’ look. ‘Y’all come back anytime, big spender,’ she said with a sly wink.
And you know the worst part? For one mindless, moronic moment, I actually wanted to go back for seconds.”
Contact the scribe of St. James Place at stjamesdawson.com
In a very offbeat episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Rob Petrie turns down an opportunity to work at the temptation-aplenty headquarters of an adults-only men’s mag like the one you’re reading.
Why would any man alive reject a job offer where his officemates would be hot-bodied and slutty instead of Buddy and Sally? Rob explained that he didn’t regard his marriage as a pleasure-denying prison, because his wife Laura made him perfectly happy to be faithful.
Any married dude watching that episode had to wonder: Was Rob the most pathetically pussywhipped sap in history or was there something more to Laura’s charms than could be revealed on family-friendly TV?
This is pure conjecture, but imagine the secret, stag-film-steamy sex life that the sitcom’s audience never got a chance to see. Did Laura have a hungry, shaved-clean clam hidden in those skin-tight clamdiggers? Did nipple rings dangle from her amazingly perky tits once they were freed from her pointy, bygone-era bras?
Maybe she was the most nut-rocking cocksucker in New Rochelle, draining Rob dry on a nightly basis. Maybe she craved vigorous anal sex that left her absolutely agape with delight. Picture Laura naked on all fours, getting her sweet suburban shitter stuffed full of Van Dyke’s dick.
Or maybe, just maybe, Rob Petrie was into wife-watching. That would explain his objection to working in an office full of alluringly fuckable foxes. To a husband whose biggest turn-on is seeing other men have sex with his spouse, cheating would be flat-out crazy. After all, that kind of straying could result in divorce if he got caught–and no more wife would mean no more wife-watching!
No longer would Rob have the chance to see his naked, sweaty wife get all three of her cavities filled by Jerry the dirty dentist. Never again would he witness his bald boss boning the bald beaver of his beautiful, bare bride. The horny waves of stiff-dicked strangers who had worn out the carpet to the Petrie’s bedroom would literally come no more. I’ll admit that this hard-on inspiring hypothesis is highly unlikely, but keeping it in mind sure makes watching the reruns more interesting!
Below are a pair of similarly salacious scenarios from other shameless, suburban spouse-sharers whose stories are guaranteed to make your cable ready.
LET’S HEAR IT FOR GUYS WHO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT
“When we first started dating and screwing as high school seniors, I was reluctant to tell Cissy what I really wanted,” says Bill. “The basic ‘in-and-out’ act itself is supposed to be the ultimate goal for any guy that age. Kinks and variations usually come later, when the newness of basic nuts-and-bolts fucking has worn off.
“But I knew the first time I fingered Cissy’s pussy in the front seat of my parents’ Accord that it would take more than simple screwing to satisfy me. Even at that early stage in our relationship, I was imagining how sexy Cissy would look getting fucked by a stranger while I watched.
“When she leaned over in the car that night to blow me, I pretended I was seeing her take another man’s cock in her pretty mouth. I imagined her licking up and down the stiff dick of a man whose name she didn’t know, then putting her lips around his swollen cockhead to bob up and down like a slut, right in front of me.
“She peeled down her panties and told me she wanted to fuck, the words every guy wants to hear. Cissy was obviously no virgin. We were parked behind some trees on the side of a country road outside town. I suggested we do it outside, where we’d be less cramped.
“She asked if I had a blanket, and I told her we wouldn’t need one. I wanted to fuck her standing up from behind while she was bent over the back of the car.
“Cissy got in place, moved her feet apart on the grass and leaned over the trunk. I pushed her short skirt up around her waist, baring her beautiful ass in the moonlight. I could see her puckered brown asshole and the split of her pink cunt in the deep shadow of her crack. She groaned when I pushed my cock inside her snug, juicy pussy.
“She was so wet that I imagined another man had been there before me, fucking her hard and filling her up with his thick, creamy come. I thought about how hot Cissy would look if she had another man’s cock in her mouth while I was screwing her from behind. I was so incredibly turned on that I actually dared to say out loud what I was thinking.
“‘I’d really get off on seeing another man fuck you in front of me someday,’ I said, lunging in and out of her sopping-wet snatch. ‘You are so fucking hot. Would you do that for me sometime, Cissy? Do you think you would let me watch a stranger fuck you?’
“I never had the balls to mention something that outrageous to any of the other three girls I had fucked by then. I figured they would have been completely disgusted or outright angry at me for bringing up the subject.
“Cissy struck me as different, though. Something about her seemed more adventurous and wild.
“She looked back over her shoulder at me and kind of curled her lip. ‘You better believe I would,’ she said, bucking back against my stiff cock. ‘God, that would be such a fucking dirty thrill. I would totally get into you watching me get laid by other guys. Mmmm, your cock is getting bigger just listening to me talk about it. Oh, yeah!’
“She cried out with a short scream as she climaxed. The inner muscles of her cunt grabbed my cock so hard that I came right along with her. From that moment, the two of us knew we were meant for each other.
“We had a few motel sessions after that with strangers Cissy picked up at places like the bowling alley and the local NASCAR track. Men’s reactions to the idea of letting me watch ranged from complete apathy to unveiled disgust. Still, they knew that I was part of the package, and not one refused.
“Watching Cissy suck men off and let them fuck her was as great as I knew it would be in my fantasies. Then we decided to take things up a notch.
“We were so crazy-horny for each other that we got married that summer, fresh out of high school. The first time Cissy went trolling for a stranger after we were husband and wife was ten times more exciting than when we were only boyfriend and girlfriend. It seemed dirtier, more forbidden and way more erotic. Cissy didn’t even bother to remove her wedding ring when she asked men if they wanted to fuck.
“They came on her face. They fucked her in the ass. She was an equal-opportunity slut, seducing whites, blacks and Hispanics without prejudice.
“We’ve been married for almost ten years. Whenever somebody asks me about the secret ingredient of a happy marriage, I usually say something harmless about honesty and mutual respect and not taking one’s partner for granted. Someday, though, I’ll tell people the truth. I’ll smile and say, ‘We’ve been married this long because I never get tired of seeing Cissy strip down and spread her legs for other men’s hard dicks.’
“Works for me!”
REQUESTING A TABLE FOR ONE LEADS TO MIGHTY FINE EATING
“My wife and I come from conservative families who are well-known in town, so we do our best to keep our sex life discreet,” explains Richard. “Just because we enjoy recruiting other men to fuck Julianne in front of me doesn’t mean that the whole community has to know about it.
“Rule number one is that we never have three-way sex with any men we know. That way, nobody can blab to any mutual acquaintances.
“We might drive sixty miles to a city to act out our fantasy fetish. Julianne has a real talent for picking up strangers. She goes into hotel restaurants, finds good-looking men who are dining alone and asks if she can join them.
“No man alive can turn down that request when it comes from a girl who looks like Julianne, all frisky and fresh-scrubbed and fuckable. On the outside, she’s the perfectly wholesome all-American girl, with wide-spaced eyes, an upturned nose, firm and friendly tits and a slender waist. She dresses with men in mind, but not too slutty. Her blouses are tight but she always wears a bra. She looks pretty and sweet and innocently sexy.
“She asks the man she wants if he’s staying at the hotel. The answer always is yes single diners rarely eat at hotel restaurants otherwise. Then she looks him right in the eye and says, ‘I’ll let you take me upstairs and fuck me right now if my husband can watch.’
“Imagine that you’re a lonely businessman from out of town who gets that offer. The first thing you would think is that there has to be a catch. Julianne sets minds at ease right away on that score: ‘I’m not a hooker and I’m not a cop, but I am in a hurry to get laid. So make your mind up quick, or I’ll have to ask somebody else.’
“Most of them say nothing as the three of us go upstairs together. They probably think I am an idiot. I couldn’t care less. In their rooms, I pull up a chair and watch as they get naked with Julianne. I love watching them squeeze her breasts and suck her nipples. I love seeing Julianne tug on their cocks, go to her knees and take those stiff, throbbing dicks in her mouth.
“After they get in bed, many of them eat her pussy, lapping and sucking her cunt lips. A few have licked her asshole, too, which Julianne really likes. That kind of foreplay excites me as much as it does Julianne. I take out my cock and stroke it, eagerly awaiting the main event.
“Finally, the men get between Julianne’s legs, position their erections at the mouth of her pussy and lunge inside. Julianne writhes and groans and thrusts her hips, loving not only the act itself but the fact that I’m there, watching her get fucked from less than three feet away.
“Sometimes she says she wants to suck my dick while the other guy is fucking her. A couple of men have objected to that, so I stayed in my chair those times. Most of the guys are petty cool with the idea, though. One of them even asked if he could fuck Julianne in the ass while I fucked her pussy. He told us that he had a rubber, and he promised to be extra-gentle with her.
“Julianne looked at me. I could see from the look in her eyes that she was up for it. I had no problem with the idea, so I said, ‘I’ll get underneath.’
“Julianne sat on my hard-on, taking it up her cunt. Her pussy was hot from the fucking she’d already gotten from the stranger. She leaned over my body, her nipples pressing against my chest, and whispered in my ear, ‘He’s spreading my cheeks now. I can feel the tip of his cock pressing inside my ass. I’m making myself open up for his cock, making my asshole relax. God, his dick is so fucking big. Oh my God. He’s shoving his big dick up my asshole, and it feels so motherfucking good. I’m getting double-fucked, your cock in my cunt and his cock up my asshole. Oh Jesus! Oh my God! Oh my God . . . !’
“All three of us came within seconds of each other. That was one of our best sessions ever.
“When I’m not part of the action, Julianne tells her partners to pull out when they’re ready to come so I can see it happen. The sight of a hard, spurting dick all covered with Julianne’s pussy juice pumping semen onto her bare belly and tits always gets both of us off.
“So the next time you stay at a hotel by yourself, you might want to rethink whether to order room service instead of requesting a table for one downstairs. With any luck, you’ll end up getting serviced in your room anyway–and watched by a guy who takes care of his own tip!”
Contact the scribe of St. James Place at stjamesdawson.com
There’s truly nothing more pathetic than a grown man shedding crybaby tears over a love affair gone wrong. Look at him, nursing a warm beer at the end of the bar, his bottom lip quivering as he bitterly wonders where it all went wrong. Or maybe he’s sitting on the rumpled bed where he used to get pussy on a regular basis, glistening rivulets running down his ashen face. Or perhaps he’s bent down over his steering wheel and racked with sobs having just been informed that it is over, really over, and please do not call here anymore.
We’ve all seen sniveling saps in that sorry state. Maybe he was you once or twice. Although you thought you were a cool, no-strings-attached player, you took a direct hit to your soft spot that made the old waterworks start to flow.
Well suck it up there, Mr. Sensitive. Bawling and blubbering over bitchy babes who bail is worse than embarrassing. It’s a waste of precious time that you could be using to find someone new.
Instead of wallowing in a personal pity party, look at things this way: You are rid of a heartless shrew who thought her petty needs and desires were more important than making you happy. Boo-fucking-hoo. Ain’t that a crying shame? Not!
As the three guys interviewed below have learned, there’s only one rule to live by after a bad break-up: Don’t get sad. Get even.
COMING INTO AN EASY SPARE BEATS BAWLING WHILE BOWLING
“I was making a damned fool of myself at the bowling alley, of all places,” confesses Mike. “My eyes were tearing up so much I could barely see the pins. That’s because my girlfriend Marcy had just broken up with me over the phone.
“We’d been together about three months. I remember telling Marcy she had the better end of the deal, because girls like her could land any guy they wanted. She liked to show off her tits in tight sweaters and low-cut tops, and she had the kind of ass a guy dreams about. She was the sort you expect to see on the arm of a millionaire, but she never seemed to mind that I was only a clerk at an auto-supply store.
“Plus we had a lot of sex. She knew what she was doing, too. The good thing about being with a gal who’s been around is that she knows her way around. Marcy had plenty of practice at fucking, sucking and taking it in the ass.
“She told me she once went to bed with three guys. One of them fucked her pussy, another plugged her asshole, and she deep-throated the third lucky son of a bitch at the same time. She said she used to get off on knowing she had a nasty reputation around our small town. ‘All the girls were jealous, and all the guys wanted to find out how good the local slut really was,’ she said.
“She claimed to be a changed woman when we met, that her wild days were in the past. And like a dope, I believed her.
“So when she called an hour before I had to leave home for a league tournament and said it was over between us, I lost it. I knew I’d never find another woman who loved sex as much as she did. That would make any man cry.
“I ended up rolling a gutterball–my first in years–then rolled another right after that. I wiped tears on the sleeve of my bowling shirt before turning around to face the guys to apologize.
“‘Hey! Phone call for you!’ hollered Shelley, a waitress at the food counter. She pointed at me, then at the receiver in her other hand.
“I crazily hoped it was Marcy calling to say she’d been kidding. When I went to take the phone from Shelley, she hung it up. ‘There’s no call,’ she said, standing very close to me. ‘I just wanted to make you a little proposition.’
“She looked right into my eyes. ‘I hear that your precious Marcy is seeing someone behind your back. You ought to give that worthless little whore some of her own medicine. You want your dick sucked? I’ll give you a blowjob that’ll be better than any you ever got from that no-class tramp.’
“Marcy once told me in bed that Shelley hated her guts for breaking up Shelley’s marriage a couple of years back. Now Shelley apparently thought it was payback time, not realizing that Marcy had already dumped me. At that moment, setting Shelley straight was the last thing on my mind. I gave her a nod.
“She led me through a door to a storage room. Without any conversation, she got on her knees, unzipped my pants and pulled my cock out. The muffled noise from the alley was like low thunder as she put her lips on my dick.
“She was a good cocksucker, maybe even better than Marcy. That might have been because she was set on showing up the bitch who had stolen her man. Her lips were as tight as a wrench around my rod, sliding up and down its length as she massaged the underside with her tongue.
“I held onto Shelley’s small head and fucked her pretty face. ‘To hell with Marcy,’ I groaned. ‘Here I come, Shel!’ I gushed my load into Shelley’s mouth and watched her swallow it all. She even pumped the base of my cock with her fist when I was done, like she wanted some more.
“My grief over losing Marcy was completely gone. I’d been nuts to think that no one could take her place. I learned an important lesson in the bowling alley that night: When it comes to scoring, if you can’t get a perfect strike, an easy spare is the next best thing!”
GIRLFRIEND SNATCHES CANDY FROM WOULD-BE WILLY WONKA
“You won’t believe what my girlfriend Anita said that made me get teary,” says Will, a sophomore at a New England university. “It makes me sound like a disgrace to my entire gender, but here goes.
“You know how couples pick sickening, cutesy pet names for each other? We ended up with ours after catching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on cable. I told Anita it always had been my favorite movie when I was a kid, because it was so weird and smartass and freaky. After it was over, Anita started calling me Willy Wonka and I started calling her Veruca Salt, after the movie’s spoiled rich girl.
“Things got kinky in bed that night. Anita had nicely shaped B-cup breasts with really puffy nipples. She rolled me onto my back and put those firm tits in my face. ‘Suck my golden-ticket titties,’ she demanded, pushing one of them against my mouth. ‘And rub my cunt while you’re at it. Do it now, or I’ll scream!’
“I nursed at her tits and went to work on finger-fucking her pussy. She turned around on top of me, straddled my face with her crotch and grabbed my dick. ‘I want a feast,’ she said, still quoting Veruca Salt. ‘I want a nice cream bun.’ She put her mouth on my cock and took my nuts between her lips.
“‘You can suck ‘em and suck ‘em and they’ll never get any smaller! Never!’ I replied, using Willy Wonka’s own immortal words. It was damned difficult to stay in character, though. What Anita was doing to my dick felt so good I was having a hard time holding back.
“‘Give it to me!’ she said, jerking the base of my hard-on and rubbing it all over her face. ‘Give it to me now!’
“‘It’s creaming and sugaring time,’ I groaned, spurting warm icing all over her pretty face.
“She went back to sucking my tool to keep me from going soft. ‘I want to get fucked,’ she snarled, curling her lip. ‘I want it now!’
“I reached for a rubber. ‘Let me put on my everlasting gobstopper,’ I said, rolling it down onto my throbbing erection. Then I plunged into her incredibly tight hole.
“Anita bucked her cunt against my crotch. After a few minutes of face-to-face screwing, she said, ‘I want it from behind.’ She got on all fours. I took my cock in my hand and rubbed the latex-covered head of my prick up and down her slippery crack. Pressing it first against her pussy and then against her asshole, I sang, ‘There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction I am going.’
“Anita wiggled her butt impatiently. ‘Stick it up my ass,’ she said, ‘because I’ve been such a bad egg.’
“I pushed my dick deep inside her, then deeper still, working in and out with shallow strokes. Anita soon relaxed her sphincter enough to admit the whole thing. I was balls-deep inside her bowels when I came for the second time that night.
“We spent the next week quoting dialogue from the movie to each other, acting stupid and childish and not caring how goofy we sounded. Every night in bed, we turned that G-rated classic into a triple-X porno with the way we twisted even the most innocent lines.
“Then one afternoon I caught Anita making out with another guy under a tree on the quad. It wasn’t some friendly little peck on the cheek, either. Their tongues were in each other’s mouth, he had a hand under her sweater and she was rubbing his bulge through the front of his jeans.
“Too stunned to move, I said, ‘What the fuck is going on?’
“They looked up. Anita gave me a sneer that would have done Veruca Salt proud. She didn’t even bother taking her hand off the guy’s dick.
“‘It’s over between us, in case you couldn’t tell,’ she said. No explanation, no apology, no shame.
“I’ll be honest: I was devastated. She was a girl I’d actually considered marrying. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. Then she made matters worse. ‘And by the way,’ she said, ‘Willy Wonka is a big fag. So guess what that makes you?’
“I know it sounds pathetic, but hearing that actually brought tears to my eyes. It made me realize what an idiot I’d been. The girl I had thought was a playful soul mate who liked sharing embarrassing private jokes turned out to be a heartless, humorless cunt–not to mention a bit of a homophobe.
“Fortunately, she and her new stud had gone back to making out, so they missed seeing me get misty. But instead of yelling or throwing fists, I just walked away from them. There was somebody I needed to see.
“I knew Anita’s roommate Susie always had a thing for me, just from little sideways glances and funny smiles I had caught from her. I went to their room and knocked. Susie answered, wearing running shorts and a half T-shirt that showed off her big boobs. Her dark hair was pulled into pigtails that made her look incredibly cute.
“She said Anita was out. I said, ‘That’s good, because I came to see you. I think about you every time I’m in bed with her, and I wanted to find out how you feel about me.’
“I swear, I actually saw her nipples stiffen against her shirt. Whether she really wanted me or only wanted to one-up Anita, I didn’t know and I didn’t care. I remembered that the two of them had some ‘competitiveness issues,’ the way most girls do. I also knew that Susie was hot and ready, which was all that really mattered.
“I pushed up her shirt and sucked her nipples. I skinned down her shorts and ate her curly-haired pussy. She returned the favor by giving me a truly memorable blowjob.
“The whole time, I was saying things like, ‘You taste and smell so much better than Anita. I don’t think she knows what soap and water are for.’ And, ‘It’s so nice to be with a girl who actually knows how to fuck.’ And, ‘You could give lessons to that frigid, hairy psycho.’ I even asked if Susie knew whether Anita may have been a man at one time.
“I was giving her plenty of horrible slanders to spread all over the school about Anita. And I was sure she’d start spreading them as soon as I left.
“Susie turned out to be a pretty good fuck, too. She did this thing with her pussy where she kind of sucked my dick with her cunt muscles while we screwed. After a while, it got so hard to concentrate on bad-mouthing Anita that I gave in and just enjoyed myself.
“Susie climaxed when I slipped a finger up her asshole. The way she clamped down on my dick made me come, too. I pulled out of her pussy and shot semen all over her belly.
“With perfect timing, Anita walked in the door just as I was leaving. Her eyes went wide when she saw Susie sprawled like a slut on the lower bunk, striped with my sperm. Susie was wearing nothing but a bitchy, know-it-all smile that looked like genuine trouble.
“To rub a little more salt in my former Veruca’s wound, I whispered, ‘Willy’s no fag, baby. He’s satisfying and delicious.’ Let me tell you, the look on her face made the whole world taste good!”
JILTED JERK-OFF SAYS, ‘HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!’
“I was an eighteen-year-old virgin when this happened, so cut me some slack about crying over it already, will ya?” says Kip, now a sophomore at a large East Coast financial school.
“I was still living with my parents. It was the summer after I graduated high school, where I’d been a total loser. I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time and I definitely didn’t have the money to pay for pussy, so the only sexual outlet I had was my right hand.
“We lived in a ritzy gated community in southern California. One day Maricela, our live-in housekeeper, told my mother and father that she would be moving back to Mexico soon to retire. My parents weren’t looking forward to trying to find a replacement for her, but things worked out because Maricela suggested that maybe her nineteen-year-old niece Casamira could come to work for them.
“Dude, I nearly popped a bone when I got my first peek at that chick. She was super petite but with big tits and a perfect ass. She had huge brown eyes and full, luscious lips. Even when she was wearing a maid’s outfit, she looked like a million bucks.
“At first my mother was a little bit skeptical about hiring Casamira, probably because Dad was practically drooling all over himself from the minute she walked in the door. They didn’t have any other prospects, though, so they gave her the job.
“I never beat off as much in my life as I did over the next week. Every time I saw Casamira squatting down to clean the floor, stretching to dust a high shelf or even just wiping the sweat from her forehead, it got me hot as hell. I’d run for my room, whip my dick out and start jerking away.
“Sometimes just whacking it once wasn’t enough. On Friday, only minutes after I shot a wad fantasizing about spreading Casamira’s ass cheeks, I closed my eyes and took my dick in my hand again. Lying on my bed, I mumbled, ‘Casamira, Casamira. I want to fuck you from now to Cinco de Mayo, you beautiful tease.’
“I nearly died when I felt a hand on top of mine. I opened my eyes and saw Casamira sitting on the edge of my bed. The corners of her mouth were turned up in a mysterious smile. ‘No tease,’ she said. ‘Here.’
“She brushed my hand away and put hers around my cock and started stroking it. She used her other hand to cup my balls and roll them against each other. I groaned in pleasure. If I hadn’t already come two minutes earlier, I wouldn’t have been able to hold myself back then.
“Casamira played her palm up and down my rod, torturing me with pleasure. Then she shocked the shit out of me by leaning over and sucking my dick. That was all I could take. I exploded in her mouth. She gulped it all down. Then she smiled again and walked out of my room.
“From that minute on, I was flat-out, dumbass in love with her. For all I knew, Casamira may have been a two-dollar south-of-the-border hooker before signing on to scrub our floors. Or maybe she thought blowing me was a way to get in good with my folks, because I’d put in a good word for her. To me, though, she was a dream come true.
“The next day, as soon as Mom and Dad left for work, she came into my room and began unbuttoning her uniform. I saw her black bra and her white cotton panties. I saw her dark, chocolate-brown nipples and the glossy triangle of her pubic hair.
“She pushed me backwards, straddled my body and sat on my virgin dick. She hunched up and down on my cock only a half-dozen times before I came. She didn’t seem to mind. She used her hand to get me hard again and rolled onto her back. I got between her open legs. She guided my prick inside her slot. I lasted a little longer that time.
“Then Casamira got up without a word, went in and used my shower, put on her uniform and went back to cleaning the windows.
“We kept up the same routine over the next few days, Casamira quickly and efficiently fucking me each morning without any detectable passion or even much interest. Like I cared. I was eighteen, remember?
“I was such a clueless turd that I went to the mall and actually bought her a turquoise friendship ring. When I got home with it, I heard sounds coming from my room. Mom and Dad weren’t home yet, so I thought maybe Casamira was in there playing with herself. That’s how my mind was working.
“Imagine how I felt when I pushed open my bedroom door and saw Casamira getting drilled by one of the gardeners. Her ankles were locked behind his back and she was moaning so loud that the two of them didn’t even know I had walked in behind them. Casamira never moaned like that when I was fucking her.
“I actually had to choke back a sob as I hurried from the room. Behind me, I heard them shouting out a simultaneous, volcanic, Spanish-language climax. The first love of my life had turned out to be the kind of backstabbing slut who would fuck another man in my own bed. And a man who was big enough to kick my pasty Anglo ass if I tried starting any shit, at that. I was crushed, man. Just crushed.
“I got back in my car and sped away, wiping tears from my face. Then I did the only thing I could do. I took out my cell phone, asked information for the number of the Immigration and Naturalization Service, called them up and gave them Casamira’s name.
“I thought about giving them the gardener’s name, too, but then I would have had to mow the fucking grass until Dad found somebody new to replace him. Fuck that!”
Contact the scribe of St. James Place by e-mail at stjamesdawson.com
The folks behind “Sex and the City” are totally off-base when it comes to how real women feel about a certain sex act.
And that goes for cute country bumpkins as well as their cosmopolitan-quaffing cousins!
The name of this game is anilingus, folks. Ass-licking. Butt-munching. Taking a tantalizing tart’s temperature by tapping her tender tush with your trusty tongue thermometer.
Crack-snacking is not to every guy’s taste, but don’t kid yourselves, gentlemen. There isn’t a woman alive who doesn’t dearly love having her ass kissed, both figuratively and literally.
Don’t be put off by the occasional delicate flower who claims that her puckered rosebud is a no-trespassing zone. She may appear offended by any and all anal-related advances, archly announcing that nice girls never let a man go “around the bend.” But that, of course, is a load of crap.
What that type of girl usually means is that she doesn’t care to have your stiff schlong stretching her sphincter. Even a finger is iffy–too much like a stiffy. But would she really complain if your twat-tasting tongue should chance to traverse her narrow bridge of sighs to lap lovingly at her lunch exit? Not likely!
I have polled untold millions of women more or less on this subject, and every one of them agrees that there’s nothing more exciting, empowering, enjoyable or erotic than a fluttering French kiss on the fart flue. So how come two of the otherwise fuck-happy females on “Sex and the City” acted totally repulsed by the concept of “tuchis-lingus?” Are the show’s writers from another planet, where a warm, probing tongue doesn’t feel mind-blowingly good back there?
In the episode in question, Sarah Jessica Parker asks, “How did this happen? How did they get the message that ass is now on the menu?”
Cynthia Nixon replies, “I bet there’s one loudmouthed guy who found some woman who loved it and told everybody, ‘Women love this!’”
“Who is this guy?” Sarah asks.
Heh-heh.
Below are three illuminating examples of men who “go around when they go down”–and the women whose pampered poopers they please!
NOVICE NETHER-NOTCH NIBBLER DISCOVERS JOYS OF BUTTHEAD
“I definitely remember the first time I went down back there,” says Andy, a twenty-six-year-old bond trader. “I was a freshman at college and not too much of a dater. I was such a dork that it was hard for me to even invite girls out, much less ask them for sex. I got a little help from a buddy of mine who set me up on a blind date with his girlfriend’s roommate, a dance major named Jeannie. I remember what I thought when I got my first look at her: ‘This girl has probably had more sex in the last week than I’ve had in my life.’
“When I showed up at her door, she was wearing a stretchy black leotard top that fit her like a second skin. No bra. Her tits sloped outward toward me. She had really puffy nipples, the kind that almost look like miniature tits themselves. Try looking away from a pair of those beauties sometime. Below the waist she wore a wraparound black silk skirt that may actually have been a head scarf at one time. That’s how small the thing was. It barely covered her crotch, and it showed off every inch of her nice slender legs.
“She had the kind of face guys jerk off to in magazines, with dark eyes, a sultry mouth and way too much eye makeup and lipstick. She was smoking a cigarette, which I knew had to be against dorm rules. She looked beautiful, slutty and dangerous. And frankly, I was surprised she didn’t take one look at me in my wimpy sweater and Gap khakis and tell me to fuck off. Instead, she asked, ‘You plan on taking me somewhere to eat, right?’
“‘Yeah,” I said. ‘I thought we could head over to . . . ‘
“‘How about we forget the meal and you just give me the money you would have spent? I’m really kind of short right now. We can hang out here instead of going anywhere.’
“It’s funny. Guys are always saying that we wish girls would float that kind of offer. All of us claim that we’d prefer simply forking over the bucks up front to get laid instead of having to go through the whole dating ritual. When it actually happens, though, it seems weird. Not so weird that I refused the offer, but weird nonetheless.
“I said, ‘Okay, sure.’ Not wanting to seem cheap, I fished three twenties from my wallet. ‘Here.’
“She didn’t thank me when she took the money, she only stuffed it in a blue jar on her dresser. A lot of other twenties were already in there. She didn’t seem short on cash to me.
“‘You got a dick in those pants?’ she asked, sitting on the edge of her single bed. She took a long draw from her cigarette, held the smoke, then let it billow from her nose.
“I answered her question by unhitching my belt and fumbling to undo my zipper. She put a hand on mine. ‘One thing, though,’ she said, looking up at me with a very direct stare. ‘If I do you, you have to do me.’
“‘Absolutely!’ I said. Giving her head in exchange for getting some sounded fine by me.
“I watched her open wide and put her painted mouth over my prick, which was almost embarrassingly hard. The whole experience was so sleazy and trashy and unromantic that I thought I’d be lucky to hold out for more than thirty seconds without exploding.
“First she used her lips to form a seal around the ridge where my cockhead meets my shaft, probing my pisshole with the tip of her tongue while she sucked. Then she took more of my dick in her mouth, almost all of it. She wriggled her warm tongue around on the underside of my shaft. She cupped my nuts in one hand while she blew me, tugging on them gently.
“I held her head in my hands, slowly pumping her face. ‘Oh, God,’ I moaned, unable to hold back. ‘Here it comes!’
“She didn’t pull away one little bit. That skinny, sexy, sensational slut swallowed everything I gave her, and it was a lot. And the next thing I knew, she’d whipped off her little skirt, unsnapped the crotch of her leotard and skinned down her black tights. Instead of lying back and pulling up her legs, though, she got on all fours in her single bed. Her bare, compact ass was sticking in the air, looking very white against the black of her leotard top.
“‘Now eat my ass!’ she said, wiggling it from side to side. ‘Spread my cheeks and lick my asshole while I play with my pussy.’ She already had a hand between her legs, working at her snatch.
“Like I said, I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience at that point. I had never met a girl who was direct enough to come right out and ask for a tongue in her crack. I had also never ventured to perform that particular act on my own initiative. That was partly because I thought it might turn a girl off, and partly because it always seemed like a pretty nasty idea. But here was a chick who was flat-out demanding it. That made me positively eager to do it. Whenever a girl has it together enough to say exactly what she wants in bed, only an idiot would refuse.
“I got behind Jeannie and held her cheeks apart. Her crack was shiny and smooth between those firm, round mounds. Her asshole was darker pink, like a little puckered mouth. I ran my tongue up and down the valley between her cheeks a couple of times, then circled her anus.
“Jeannie kept rubbing her mound while I flicked and massaged her asshole with my tongue. Her little opening eased open ever so slightly, so I decided to take the plunge. I pushed my tongue inside her ass, driving it in and out like a cock.
“Jeannie’s hips flexed as she climaxed, drawing her butt cheeks closer around my face, and she made whimpering sounds against her pillow. I held on tight and kept rooting and probing her asshole the whole time she came. She finally pulled away, almost trembling with pleasure.
“That anal afterglow lasted about ten seconds. Then she told me she had a lot of studying to do and asked if we could call it a night. I got the hint.
“Maybe I should have felt used. On the other hand, what I learned from her about what women want was well worth the price of the dinner we didn’t have!”
YOU JUST CAN’T BEAT GOOD WORD OF MOUTH
“My girlfriend Trish is to blame for what happened,” says Paul, a real-estate agent trainee. “She was having lunch with some female coworkers when one of them started going on and on about how great her new boyfriend was. She announced that he was great at eating pussy, because he would stay down there for an hour if it took that long to get the job done.
“The second woman said that was nothing. ‘My guy knows exactly where my G-spot is, and he can make me come in no time,’ she smugly reported.
“The third woman at the table said, ‘Sure, but can he make you squirt? When my boyfriend fucks me doggie-style, his dick hits my button every time. I come just like a guy, and he loves it!’
“Trish felt like she needed to contribute something to the conversation, so she piped up with, ‘My boyfriend Paul absolutely loves using his tongue on my asshole. Sometimes he’s down there between my butt cheeks before I even wake up in the morning, licking away and just driving me crazy. And ladies, that feels good!’
“The other girls looked at her without saying anything, then quickly changed topics. Trish said she felt like crawling under the table. She couldn’t believe that women who would talk so casually about pussy-eating, G-spot climaxes and female ejaculation would be offended by the idea of a little oral-anal contact. ‘What a bunch of weirdos,’ she told me in bed that night, just before she sat on my face so I could lap her crack.
“As it turned out, Trish had been reading her workmates the wrong way. I know that because Coworker Number One, a big-titted blonde, showed up at the office where I work the next morning. ‘I hear that you like rump roast,’ she said, meaningfully perching one of her ripe ass cheeks on my desk. She leaned in close to add, ‘If you ever want to taste mine, just let me know.’
“About an hour later, Coworker Number Two walked in. The tall, slender brunette dropped her pocketbook as she approached my desk, turned her back to me and bent at the waist to pick it up. In the process, her short skirt rode high enough for me to see she wasn’t wearing panties. Her butt cheeks were so firm and separated that I could see her furrowed brown asshole between them. ‘If you ever want to eat my sweet ass, I promise not to spill the beans,’ she cooed softly.
“That afternoon, redheaded Coworker Number Three appeared. ‘Trish tells us that you have a sweet tooth for tush,’ she purred. ‘If you ever want to root in my canal, I’m all yours.’
“When I went home that night, Trish could tell something was up, but she had no idea that I had enjoyed a day-long butt buffet served up by her three luscious coworkers. I had lapped, probed and sucked their beautiful asses at an empty house that was listed for sale with my agency, leaving each of them delirious with pleasure.
“‘You look like the cat that ate the canary,’ Trish said over dinner.
“More like the cat that ate the cornholes, I thought, trying not to chuckle out loud over my crazy-ass good fortune.”
SOME GUYS DON’T GO FOR THE OLD SOFT-SOAP
“My boyfriend Rick would give my ass a little tonguing every now and then when we first started dating,” says Carly, “but I could tell that he wasn’t really into it. That really kind of bothered me, because nothing in the world feels better than a good, long rimjob. That probably doesn’t sound very ladylike, but it certainly is true!
“I didn’t want to come off like a tramp by asking him point-blank to give my asshole more loving, so I tried to be subtle about letting Rick know I wanted some attention back there. Whenever Rick would eat my pussy, I’d tilt my pelvis upward to make my asshole more accessible. I’d even reach under my butt to hold my cheeks apart, giving him a clear shot at my exposed asshole.
“Sometimes he took the bait, dipping down to make a few brief flicks at my opening before going back to my cunt. More often than not, though, he completely ignored my bid for anal attention.
“I could never understand Rick’s reluctance to please me that way. I was nearly fanatical about washing, so I always was fresh and clean for him in bed. I started to wonder if he had some kind of phobia that prevented him from giving me what I craved.
“I was almost ready to break up with him over the matter when he invited me to spend the weekend at his parents’ house. They were cool about us sleeping together, which we never had done. Even though we had been dating for four weeks and fucking for three, we never had spent a whole night in the same bed with each other.
“I hoped that things might be different for us that night, that maybe Rick would be a little more disposed to ‘get down and dirty’ because sex would be extra-exciting with his parents in the next room. I made sure to wash myself really well before getting into bed. I cuddled close, kissed him and whispered, ‘Go down on me. Really down. I want you to lick me all over.’
“Rick dived under the sheets and started giving me some really beautiful head. I pulled my knees way up, hugging them close against my tits. My asshole was right there for him, fresh as a daisy and begging to be licked. I felt like screaming when Rick took his mouth away from my pussy without spending even a second on my butthole. He slid his dick in my cunt and started fucking me. I fucked him right back, thrusting my hips at him, trying to take out my frustration in a bout of angry, energetic sex. That turned Rick on. He came fast, pumping what I could tell was a lot of come inside me. Then he rolled over and went to sleep.
“I reached between my legs. Rick’s come was dribbling from my pussy. I got some of that semen on my fingertips, then moved them down to massage my neglected asshole until I drifted off to sleep myself.
“I still felt tense and unsatisfied when I woke up at sunrise. Leaving Rick asleep in bed, I took a quick pee. Then I pulled on a T-shirt and shorts and headed outside to do some running, hoping to work off some of my frustration.
“I had an awful lot of frustration to work off on that humid Louisiana morning. By the time I got back to the house an hour later, I was covered in sweat and smelling very ripe. I was glad Rick’s parents weren’t up yet. I tried to be quiet as I made my way through our bedroom to the adjoining bath, but Rick heard me and woke up.
“His eyes went wide. I blushed with embarrassment. My grey T-shirt had huge sweat stains under the arms and down the front and back. My jogging shorts were stuck to my legs and my hair was plastered on my face. Rick had never seen me at less than my immaculate, perfectly made-up best.
“I tried to hurry into the bathroom and close the door, but Rick jumped naked from the bed and headed me off. He looked hungry and wild and had an erection that was so stiff it was purple. He grabbed me and started pulling off my clothes. I’d never seen him so horny. He licked sweat from my neck, my tits and my armpits. He got down on his knees and ate my pussy, taking deep breaths of my scent as he licked my tender cunt lips. Then he turned me around and bent me over the bed.
“I thought he was going to enter my pussy from behind and fuck me. Boy, was I ever wrong! Instead, he thrilled me by holding my butt cheeks apart and licking my fragrant ass. ‘Jesus, you smell good,’ he sighed, lapping the girlsweat from my hot crack. I pushed my butt back against his face. He responded by shoving his tongue right up inside my asshole.
“‘That’s it, baby,’ I moaned, arching my back. ‘Eat my asshole. Lick my beautiful, sweaty ass. God, I’ve wanted your tongue in my ass for so long. It feels so fucking good, so goddamned good. Lick my ass! Suck it! Suck it!’
“I was so excited that I actually climaxed that way, thrashing around on the bed, and Rick still didn’t stop eating my butt! I was in heaven, loving his tongue and his new hunger for me. That was when I realized what I had been doing wrong all that time. Rick didn’t want some squeaky-clean mannequin. He wanted a real woman, one with all of the flavors and irresistible aromas a real woman’s body has.
“‘You love eating my ass now, don’t you, baby?’ I asked, hunching up and down on his face. ‘Have you ever tasted anything better in your life than my nasty, funky shit hole?’
“‘Well, he used to like my Belgian waffles,’ said Rick’s mother from the open doorway before storming off down the stairs.
“I got the impression that she no longer considered me suitable girlfriend material for her son, but I couldn’t have cared less. Getting up at the crack of dawn that morning was the best thing that ever happened to my crack!”
You can contact the scribe of St. James Place at stjamesdawson.com.
When it comes to stupid Marvel Comics characters we have to give the prize to Daredevil, a guy who’s completely blind but still manages to swing from high atop New York skyscrapers like Spider-Man, kicking some serious supervillain ass without anyone figuring out that his peepers don’t work.
How does DD accomplish these heroic, highly unlikely, hilariously handi-capable feats? His other senses have been hyper-heightened thanks to the loss of his sight.
Is anybody buying this crap? Your real-world chances of becoming a costumed crimefighter that way aren’t too terrific. But then again, temporarily shutting down one of your senses can lead to great “undercover” results in the bedroom. And sticking it in an amorous female beats sticking it to an archfiend any day.
You’ll be amazed at how different sex can be without some sensory element you’ve always taken for granted. Try it. You’ll impress your partner by showing how playful and experimental you can be. You’ll realize that taking something away can end up actually adding something to your love life. Plus you won’t have to stuff your dick and nuts into a fruity spandex leotard and go out in public where strangers can see you. Unless you’re into that kind of thing, of course.
SPEAK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE THIGHS
“I was out on a first date with a really cute Education major named Yvonne,” says Joey. “She had long blonde hair, an angelic face, nice little boobs and an ass I wanted to get on my knees and kiss. While we were making small talk, she mentioned that she’d taken a sign-language course the previous semester and that one of her homework exercises involved completely blocking her ears for a day so she could get a feel for what true deafness was like.
“She told me that the whole world seemed incredibly different that way, as if she were in a silent, underwater dream. She became much more attentive to everything she saw. ‘Visual cues,’ she called them. More important, she said she completely craved the touch of other people. She casually added that she had the best sex of her life that night, with her then-boyfriend while her ears were blocked.
“I’d been nodding and smiling and not really taking her seriously up until that last part. Like I said, it was our first date, and I would have pretended to be fascinated by anything that came out of her mouth if it would help me get something of mine into it. You know how it goes.
“I nearly choked on my drink. ‘The best sex?’ I mumbled, trying not to sound too interested but failing miserably.
“‘God, yes,’ she sighed, practically swooning at the memory. ‘I don’t know what connection there is between hearing and feeling, but my whole body seemed more sensitive and alive than ever. My nipples were so stiff and tender that I almost came when he sucked them. And when he put his dick in me, I think I climaxed in ten seconds flat!’
“She must have noticed the stunned look on my face. I was pleasantly shocked that this future elementary-school teacher was so free-and-easy about sharing those kinds of deliciously dirty details.
“‘I hope that sort of talk doesn’t shock you too much,’ she said, touching my hand patronizingly. ‘My Early-Learning Psych professor says that today’s kids prefer openness and plain language, so I’m trying to be more direct in all of my conversations.’
“She was definitely a weird one. Kind of condescending, too. Like I cared, though. She was good-looking enough to get away with it.
“‘No, I like women who say what’s really on their minds,’ I answered, trying to sound mature and low-key. ‘Uh, do you think that a guy with his hearing blocked would have the same kind of experience in bed that you had?’
“Yvonne leaned forward, wide-eyed. ‘I’m so glad you asked that! My ex wouldn’t even try it. He was one of those dumb macho guys who just wants to stick it in, pull it out and go to sleep. That was one of the reasons we broke up. He’d never meet me halfway when it came to trying new things.’
“That sounded like an opening if ever I heard one. ‘He must have been crazy,’ I said. ‘I’d love to try something like that. I’m always up for new stuff.’
“I don’t know if she really was all that attracted to me or if I just looked like a good lab subject, but Yvonne warmed up real fast after that.
We ended up back at her dorm room. I was so horny that all I wanted to do was rip her clothes off and pin her to the mattress, but instead she took me up on my earlier offer.
“‘First, these go in your ears,’ she said, rolling what looked like a fat wad of Silly Putty into two balls. After she pushed them deep into my ear canals, I was at least ninety-five percent deaf. Then she placed some thick wads of cotton over each ear and taped the padding in place with strips of surgical tape.
“That did it. I couldn’t hear a thing.
“I saw her mouth move as she said something. I shrugged in apology and pointed at my covered ears. She smiled with satisfaction. She grabbed a pen, scribbled on a notepad and turned the paper toward me. It said, ‘Do you want me to suck your cock now?’
“I heard the hollow echo of my own voice inside my head as I answered, ‘Definitely!’
“She smiled like an understanding nurse administering to an overexcited patient. When I reached for my belt, she gently but firmly pushed my hands away. She unfastened it herself, then undid my pants. She wanted me to know that she was totally in charge of this show. That was okay with me!
“I could tell that she was really sexually excited by all this. She might pretend to be a snobby A-student, but she was getting off on being in control.
“I couldn’t hear the sound of my zipper as she pulled it down. She silently removed my shoes and flung them into the corner. She tugged off my pants and my boxers and tossed them onto a wooden desk chair. I saw my metal belt buckle hit the back of the chair but heard nothing.
“My cock was so hard I couldn’t believe it. Yvonne put her little mouth over the head and cupped my balls in her hand as she sucked me. She was fantastic. Her mouth was very wet and hot. Her spit ran down my shaft to my nuts, where she rubbed it in like lotion.
“It turned out that she was completely right about how being unable to hear what she was doing to me made everything different. I was completely focused on watching and feeling her suck my dick. It was as if I were watching a silent porno movie and playing the lead role at the same time. Yvonne could tell how much I liked what she was doing. She swirled her soft tongue around my cockhead a bit, then went back to blowing me.
“All of this action was making Yvonne want something in return. She stood and pulled her stretchy top over her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra. She had firm, B-cup tits with surprisingly large nipples. She shucked her jeans and panties. Her blonde bush was a neat triangle around her slit.
“She reached into a desk drawer and produced a condom, silently tearing open its foil wrapper. She sucked me a little more, then rolled the rubber down over my stalk. She pushed me backward onto her bed, straddled my crotch and took my hard-on in her hand. She sat down on it in one quick motion, skewering herself on my meat.
“I couldn’t hear her groan as she took my cock, but I could see her mouth open, her eyes close and her head loll back. The bedsprings made no noise I could hear, even though Yvonne was bouncing up and down on me like a bronco rider. Her juices had our crotches so slippery that our bodies had to be making wet slapping sounds against each other. But as far as I was concerned we might as well have been screwing in the silent, empty vacuum of outer space.
“Yvonne’s nipples stood out from her tits like little fingers. Her chest rose and fell as she made quiet yelps of pleasure. She eventually opened her mouth wide and let out what must have been a scream of passion as she came, her cunt clamping down on my dick like a vise. I heard nothing at all.
“Then I came, feeling a load burst from my cock like the quiet explosion of a distant star. Yvonne collapsed on top of me. I felt her lips brush against my neck. She was whispering something. I clawed the stuffing out of my right ear and asked what she had said.
“‘I said that it’s my turn now to use the earplugs,’ she breathed, absentmindedly rubbing her pussy. Confirming that she really did want to get fucked again, she added, ‘Would you mind if I asked you to repeat yourself?’
“I was only too happy to oblige!”
DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
“My apartment is kind of a shithole, but I have a great way of making up for it,” says Scott. “My theory is that what a girl can’t see won’t disgust her!
“If a chick comes home with a guy, I think chances are pretty good she wants to get laid. At least that’s been my experience. So when a babe who walks into my place is less than impressed with the decor, I know I still have a shot at her. All I have to do is make her forget about her surroundings.
“I start off by acknowledging the obvious. ‘I know this place isn’t much to look at,’ I say. ‘Would you like me to turn it into a palace for you?’
“Their reactions range from highly skeptical to mildly amused, but I haven’t met a girl yet who declined the offer. That’s when I get out an oversized black blindfold, the satin kind you see people wearing to bed in old movies. I say, ‘Put this on and everything around you will be magically transformed.’ After they have it on, I tell them not to peek. Then I go into my act.
“In order to make sure I won’t be wasting my time, I quickly eliminate the few who have no intentions of putting out. ‘First, no woman may enter the palace while covered,’ I say. ‘I’ll have to remove all of your clothes now.’
“A few will tear off the blindfold, call me a jerk and storm out of the door. But you’d be amazed how many girls giggle, blush and stand still for me to undress them. Maybe it’s my winning personality, maybe girls enjoy playing make-believe or maybe they just appreciate a guy who tries something new.
“The last girl I had over was Jamie, a petite beauty with short, jet-black hair and luscious red lips. She always wore baggy shirts and jeans, but I could tell she was hiding a killer body underneath all that camouflage.
“When I said I had to undress her, she twisted her pretty mouth sideways and replied, ‘Is that right?’
“‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘Rules are rules.’
“I could tell that she halfway wanted to tell me I was being stupid. It was the other half that won out, though, the half that liked the idea of being seduced with some finesse instead of simply being stripped and screwed.
“I gently unbuttoned the cuffs and front of her man’s-style cotton shirt and removed it. The front of the ribbed black
T-shirt she wore underneath was stretched by her big, round boobs. I tugged it up out of her jeans and told her to raise her arms. She obeyed as if in a trance. I pulled the shirt over her head, being careful not to dislodge the mask over her eyes.
“Her tits were incredible: firm and very pale, with puffy pink nipples that made my mouth water. She probably expected me to squeeze them, rub them or suck them. I resisted the temptation. There’s nothing that makes a girl hornier than showing skin around a guy who refuses to touch her. Making them wait makes them wet, that’s my theory.
“I knelt and slipped off her shoes. Still squatting, I undid her leather belt, the button of her jeans and her zipper. I heard her take a big swallow as I tugged her jeans and her cotton panties down and off her legs. Much as I wanted to, I didn’t caress her thighs, grab her ass or put my mouth over her nicely groomed pussy.
“She moved a hand to cover her crotch. ‘God, I’m so turned on,’ she said with a little laugh of embarrassment. ‘It’s so weird, doing it this way. But it’s kind of hot, too.’
“I ignored her and went to a bookshelf. ‘Now I have to light the golden torch that leads to the royal chambers.’ I held three wooden matches together and struck them against the side of the box, so they made a loud ‘whoosh’ as they ignited. Jamie stepped back, then regained her composure. I used the matches to light a patchouli-scented candle. I took her by the arm and said, ‘Come with me.’
“I guided her toward my bedroom holding the candle before us. ‘Watch out for the silk pillows and expensive tapestries scattered around the floor,’ I said as her foot got tangled in a pile of my old laundry. ‘Can you hear the fountains in the marble courtyard?’ The trickle of water was actually coming from my leaky toilet tank in the next room. ‘Can you feel the sultry breeze blowing in from the tangerine orchards?’ I had a car’s air freshener hanging in front of a small electric fan that was blowing the humidity around.
“Jamie had a sexy smile on her face. She knew she was being conned, but she was totally in the spirit of things. ‘You’re really something,’ she said in appreciation. The tips of her puffy nipples were jutting out. ‘Did you mention something about there being a bed in here?’
“‘Absolutely. A silk-covered cloud, fifty feet long and a hundred feet wide, with pillows embroidered in gold and silver thread. It’s right beside you.’
“Jamie reached down and touched what actually was a lumpy double-wide mattress on a cheap metal frame with no headboard. She sat on its sagging edge then lay back and stretched, luxuriating on my dirty sheets like a naked princess in an exotic harem. ‘It’s heavenly,’ she sighed.
“All of my prep work was done. She was nude and in the mood. Her nipples were completely erect. The curly pubic hair trimming her pussy crack was wet. I could smell her excitement.
“I put my face between her legs and licked her sweet-scented cunt, burrowing deep. She moaned and reached down to hold her cunt lips apart for me. I pushed up her legs so I could flick her asshole with my tongue.
“She began massaging her mound but never made a move to remove the blindfold. Women have told me that they can get more excited imagining what’s happening to them rather than actually seeing it, because they’re less visually oriented than men are. I’ll take their word for it.
“I watched Jamie rub her pussy in tight little circles while I stripped.
“Then I was on top of her, pushing my cock into her slippery cunt, bending over to suck her big tits while we fucked. Palace or no palace, I felt like the sultan of schwing!
“Jamie was writhing and groaning. We were so sweaty we could have been anointed in oil. She clutched me close to her body when she came, nearly weeping with emotion. That set me off. I filled her pussy with come. We lay panting beside each other, exhausted and happy.
“When girls take off their blindfolds later and see my real-world bedroom, most of them are forgiving because they’re usually in a pretty good mood by that time. If they seem too disappointed, I make them feel better by telling them they can be back in that exotic palace whenever they want. All they have to do is close their eyes.”
TWAT DID YOU SAY? I CUNT HEAR YOU!
“What’s the best sensory-deprivation experience I ever had? That’s easy,” says Glenn. “It has to be the time my wife had severe laryngitis. She couldn’t say a word, not even a whisper. Her inability to speak made life heaven for me, but not because it made sex with her more exciting.
“Let me explain. I’d been out drinking with this really slutty new secretary after work one Friday. That led to some heavy extramarital activity in my car’s backseat out in the parking lot of the bar. I ate her pussy, she sucked my dick, I gave her asshole a good rimming. We were all over each other like a pair of hungry piranha.
“Then we commenced to fucking, not giving a damn who saw us through the steamed-up windows. She grabbed my balls like she was squeezing an orange. I sucked her tits so hard she probably gained a cup size. We howled like coyotes when we came.
“She produced a bag of primo weed after that. We got totally fucked up, then we fucked some more. A couple buddies of mine rapped on the windshield while we were doing the deed, but we were too wasted to give a shit.
“I must have smelled like a combination brewery, whorehouse and dope den when I walked in my front door, but since she’d lost the sense of speech she literally couldn’t say a thing about it!
“What? Speech isn’t one of the five senses? Oh. Well, fuck it then. It was still pretty damned sweet!”
You can contact the scribe of St. James Place through his website, stjamesdawson.com
Anything that features a “ball cock assembly” was pretty much guaranteed to ahem pop up in this column sooner or later. We’re talking toilets, son. Along with the rumpled empty bed and the TV-room comfy chair, the porcelain throne is where guys are statistically most likely to “get in touch with themselves.” When the urge to splurge arises and no willing female is convenient, men head for the head to jerk their johnsons on the john.
Think back to the last time you pounded your flounder perched upon an accommodating American Standard or a coolly efficient Kohler. Maybe it was at work today, after you saw how that slutty new receptionist’s tits were straining the buttons of her professionally inappropriate silk blouse. Maybe it was last week during lunch, when you had to choose between mounting your cock-teasing new girlfriend on the restaurant table or taking a quick beat-off break to release the pounding pressure in your prick. It may even have been years ago, when you barricaded yourself in the bathroom at your parents’ house with a magazine like this one and stroked yourself senseless.
But whether in the quiet comfort of home, the furtive anonymity of an office rest room, the impersonal plastic sanctuary of a putrid Port-a-San or the crowded confines of a bustling bus station crapper, the toilet provides solace for the stiff, relief for the rigid, a heavenly haven for the hellaciously horny.
And sometimes, if you’re as lucky as the three jerk-offs below, you can end up with something more than you expected on your hands.
WORKER TAKES SEAT, BEATS MEAT,
MEETS GIRL WHO’S NOT DISCREET
“My life could have been ruined by a Fast Times at Ridgemont High mo-ment,” says Kevin. “Remember the scene where Phoebe Cates walks in on Judge Reinhold yanking it in the bathroom? I can relate to that–except my story has a happier ending.
“One of the managers where I work invited some of us to his place for a pool party. He and his snooty wife greeted me at the door of their mini-mansion. While he was telling her how valuable I was to the firm–some joke!–their nineteen-year-old daughter strolled distractedly down the stairs.
“Let me paint a picture of that sex kitten that will explain why the front of my swim trunks started getting tight. She had that pale, ‘stays indoors getting high all the time’ look. Her blonde hair was tied up in pigtails that made her look like a moving violation. Her lips were all puffy and glossy. Best of all, her white bikini was so tiny that her mother said, ‘Danielle, honestly! Haven’t I told you not to wear that bathing suit when company’s here?’
“It was easy to see why her mom was embarrassed. The top half of Danielle’s bikini was really just two ridiculously small triangles of cloth. Danielle’s firm, B-cup boobs bulged out on all sides of the miniature cups. The bottom half of the suit was wedged so tightly against her teenage snatch that I could make out the lips of her pussy and the little bud of her clit.
“Danielle mumbled, ‘Yeah, whatever,’ looking somewhere between bored and disgusted. She brushed past me without acknowledging my existence. Her rear view was as nice as the front. The thong between her upturned butt cheeks was wedged so deep it had practically disappeared.
“A knock on the door meant someone else had arrived for the party. I told Danielle’s dad, ‘I’ll let you get that,’ then hurried to the pool.
“There wasn’t a guy at the party, including the ones who had brought their girlfriends or wives, who could keep his eyes off Danielle. The nearly naked nymph was obviously only gracing us with her presence in that outfit to embarrass her old man.
“Things got even better after she emerged from a quick dip. The material of her suit went transparent, revealing her bumpy nipples and the cleft of her cunt. When she leaned back in a deck chair and drew up her knees, I could see the pink, meaty lips of her pussy right through the suit.
“That was it for me. My dick was sticking straight up in my trunks, demanding attention. I found a bathroom, dropped my suit, sat on the bowl and started pulling for all I was worth. Danielle, Danielle, delicious Danielle, I want to fuck your beautiful, bitchy brains out, I thought.
“That was when the door opened. It was her. She saw my stiff dick in my hand. My cockhead was swollen like a purple billiard ball.
“Instead of running away, she came in and closed the door. Her expression was sexy, patronizing and nasty at the same time. ‘You wanna fuck me?’ she asked with a sneer.
“I knew I was taking a chance since she was the boss’s daughter and all, but right then I didn’t care. What guy would? ‘Yeah,’ I said, standing up. ‘I would like to fuck you, Danielle.’
“She put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me back onto the toilet seat. ‘Only one thing,’ she said. ‘You have to tell everybody at work you did it, okay? You have to tell them all what a little slut the boss’s daughter is.’
“This chick obviously had some serious issues with her old man. Not that I cared. ‘I’ll put it in the company newsletter if you want,’ I told her.
“She gave me an evil grin, apparently satisfied. Then she turned around, dropped her bikini bottom, bent away from me and spread her cheeks. ‘Eat me first to get me wet,’ she demanded, backing her twat against my face.
“My nose was up Danielle’s asshole and my tongue was moving up and down in her snatch. At that age, she didn’t need much priming to get her sweet, creamy juices flowing. Pretty soon she sat down on my upright dick and started bouncing.
“She bucked on my lap so hard that I thought the toilet seat would crack. Her cunt was so tight there was no way I could hold out for more than a couple of minutes. I grabbed hold of her tits, pulled her down on top of me and grunted, ‘I’m coming!’
“While Danielle ground her ass on my lap, I heard a sharp cracking sound. The toilet seat hadn’t cracked but it had finally snapped its plastic bolts and was sliding all around the rim of the bowl as I shot off in her pussy.
“When I finished pumping her cunt, she stepped back into her bikini bottoms and headed for the door. She looked back at me long enough to say, ‘Don’t forget, you have to tell everybody at work.’
“‘Yeah, sure. All right. Whatever you say,’ I sighed. And I did. Got myself fired the same day too, but a promise is a promise in my book. With any luck, my next boss will have an equally slutty daughter–and sturdier dumper!”
HORNY HANDYMAN BECOMES LORD OF THE WAX RING
“My neighbor Patty is a twenty-two-year-old single mom who doesn’t realize how hot she is,” says Jack. “But that doesn’t matter anyway. Between chasing her kid all day and working at night, she’s too tired to even think about dating.
“She knocked on my door one morning. I was off because I had pulled a double-shift the night before, and luckily my wife was at work. Patty was wearing faded jeans and a cut-off T-shirt, and her fat, thick nipples made points in the front of her shirt that no man in his right mind could resist. She couldn’t have looked sexier if she had been wearing a push-up corset and a garter belt. Some girls just plain ‘have it,’ and Patty’s definitely one of them.
“She told me that she’d hired some fly-by-night contractor to replace one of her toilets the previous week. ‘Now there’s water leaking all around it, and I can’t get him on the phone,’ she sighed. ‘Do you think you can come over and take a look?’
“I could’ve told her to call a plumber, but I knew she was in tough financial straits since her divorce. Besides, any excuse to be around a beauty like her sounded good to me. I grabbed some tools and a crowbar and headed to her place. Thankfully, her son was away at preschool.
“I’d actually worked on a couple of toilets before, back when I spent a summer playing handyman at an apartment complex. The cheap motherfucker who did Patty’s job probably hadn’t bothered replacing the two-dollar wax ring between the base and the floorpipe. Fixing it would take a while and be a little bit messy, but helping her out would be worth all the trouble.
“Patty’s ass looked so round and plump in her tight jeans as she climbed the stairs just a few steps ahead of me that I had to resist squeezing a cheek. God, she was cute.
“I turned off the water supply to the toilet, unbolted it and confirmed my suspicions. I told Patty I’d have to head to a hardware store and refused her offer of money. She looked like she could have kissed me right then and there. When I got back, Patty was on the phone. She smiled at me like I was her hero. I headed upstairs.
“As I unwrapped the wax ring, I heard Patty’s voice through a heating duct. ‘He’s just the best,’ she said, presumably to one of her girlfriends. ‘I really wish I could give him something in return. No, not that, you goof! Jack would think I was a total slut if I offered to suck his cock! Besides, he’s married!’
“I nearly came in my pants when I heard her say that. Sure, I’d fantasized about getting my dick inside Patty–but I never thought that I would actually get the chance. Realistically, the most I expected in return for my labors would be a kiss on the cheek and a sincere ‘Thank you.’
“Patty added, ‘Yeah but how would I even offer?’ There was a pause. ‘What do you mean, just do it? What, just get on my knees and unzip his pants when he comes out of the bathroom?’ She giggled. ‘To tell you the truth, that would be pretty hot. And it’s been a damned long time since I had a man. I’d love to have him come in my mouth.’
“I looked down. Hearing Patty say all those things turned me on so much that I squeezed the ring all out of shape, getting sticky amber wax all over my hands. My dick started pounding so hard I thought it might explode. The image of Patty’s sweet, luscious lips wrapped around my cock, sucking me off and swallowing my come was just too much for me to take!
“I unzipped my pants and tugged out my dick. Sitting on the unbolted toilet, I furiously stroked my hard-on with my wax-covered palm. My breathing was shallow, my heart was racing, my eyes were rolled up in my head. I pictured Patty’s wet mouth, her stiff nipples, her bushy cunt. I would blow my load between her lips, then fuck her pussy, and maybe roll her over and stick my dick up her ass and . . .
“I started gushing just as Patty pushed the door open, her telephone conversation apparently ended. I was past the point of no return. I shot spurts of white semen into the air and Patty stared in horror at my veiny, wax-covered prick. I managed a weak smile and said, ‘No extra charge for the caulking job.’
“I’m still waiting for that sincere ‘thank you,’ though.”
STAY-AT-HOME STUDENT GETS SURPRISE SPRING BREAK
“I was stuck at my parents’ house during spring break when all my buds were down in sunny Florida,” says Jared. “Mom and Dad invited a bunch of their boring friends to a party in honor of me, their brilliant number-one son. The only guest who didn’t look like a total loser was this hot brunette named Anita. She was my mom’s boss, down at the real estate office.
“Anita had a great set of tits, and her dress was, like, a size too small–in a good way. She was probably in her late thirties. She reminded me of one of those types who hang around the bars near my college, checking out young guys and licking their chops.
“When my mom introduced us, I swear that Anita dropped her eyes down to look at my crotch. She seemed to rub my palm a little more than necessary when we shook hands too. She smelled so good and looked so slutty that I felt my dick getting hard.
“I knew that hitting on my mom’s boss wouldn’t be a good idea, which meant that taking Anita behind a hedge and banging her silly probably wasn’t gonna happen but I was so horny that I either had to take care of myself or walk around the rest of the night with a boner. I ducked into the guest bathroom for some quick relief.
“I’d just settled onto the bowl and taken my dick in my hand when I heard some scratching and rattling at the locked knob. Anita quickly entered and closed the door behind her. I think she’d used a hairpin to spring the lock without anyone noticing.
“She smacked my hand away when I tried covering my hard-on with the tail of my shirt. ‘Don’t hide that beautiful cock,’ she said, staring at it. She knelt in front of me and grabbed my dick down at the base. She stroked me a few times, making it even harder. Then she put her red painted lips over the head and started sucking me.
“Anita was so much better at what she was doing than the college girls I’d been with that I was ready to shoot in no time. Anita could tell too. She squeezed down on my dick and said, ‘Don’t come yet, baby. I’m just getting a taste for this sweet, hot thing.’ She went back to licking around the head and bobbing up and down on the shaft. It was easy to tell that she was one lady who enjoyed sucking cock.
“She cupped my balls with her other hand. I felt her ease the tip of a finger up my asshole, which felt a lot better than I thought it would. Anita worked my shaft faster, jerking me off while the head of my dick was in her mouth. I grabbed her head and held on tight as I exploded. She gulped down everything I gave her, not spilling a drop.
“Anita got to her feet and looked in the mirror. She took a lipstick from her purse and touched herself up. Then she strolled out of the bathroom without giving me a backward glance.
“As I sat there thinking about what had just happened, my dick began throbbing all over again. I absentmindedly started tugging on it. The door, which Anita had failed to lock, opened again. Dad’s boss, Mr. Kegren, stood there looking at me with my dick in my hand. He curled his lip. ‘Like father, like son,’ he muttered before leaving.
“I suddenly understood why Dad always seems to get passed over for promotions at work.”
Contact the scribe of St. James Place at his website, stjamesdawson.com
What’s the current state of sex in America? To answer that smutty question, our team of crack researchers researched cracks from coast to coast to get the “lay of the land.” They sucked. They fucked. They kissed and they told.
After their extensive findings were in, the project manager suggested that each state could be represented by a single representative female. Field crew members had their doubts as to the scientific validity or usefulness of such a limited guide but then again, they were so chapped, dehydrated, exhausted and just plain screwed out that they were in no condition to argue with the lazy prick.
The sweaty, salacious and sometimes startling results of this groundbreaking project appear below.
Alabama is a mocha-skinned pre-med student giving a nude dorm-room massage on a humid, moon-drenched night. After she finishes rubbing her nipples against her lover’s back, she turns him over to whistle his dickie.
Alaska burrows under a down-filled comforter to grab her man’s cock like a grizzly bear snatching a salmon from a stream. When he can’t take any more of her warm mouth, she gets on all fours so he can fill her pipeline.
While skinny-dipping Arizona’s rich parents were away, she told her boyfriend to sit on the diving board of the family pool. She climbed on his lap to engulf his cock with her snug pussy, pushing her cocoa-buttered tits against his chest. Then she bounced up and down on his cock so hard that his balls went off like a cannon as they tumbled into the water.
Arkansas caught a stranger staring as she scratched a pink cheek that hung out of her Daisy Duke cutoffs. She asked if he had a blanket in the back of his pickup, where he ended up banging her so hard that one of his rear shocks needed replacing. The guy figured it had been worth it, to get his little rocks off.
California was a bronze, blonde bitch with her face between another girl’s legs, a dick up her ass and another in her cunt, enjoying herself so much that she almost forgot that her boyfriend was taping it all to sell on the Internet.
Colorado isn’t crazy about changing the sheets for the out-of-state skiers who stay at the lodge where she works as a housekeeper, but she definitely enjoys the tips. Especially the big, purple ones at the ends of generous millionaire’s cocks.
Connecticut was something of a wild girl in college before marrying a strait-laced Stamford stockbroker. These days, if she didn’t screw her husband’s best friend three times a week, she’d be practically celibate.
Delaware is a trashy tramp who turns tricks by the train tracks with truckers, trawlermen and trannies. When she’s not trolling for trousertrout and trouble, she likes taking trips to the Transvaal.
The District of Columbia is a lazy, languidly lascivious lover. And just like the majority of our nation’s elected representatives, she screws nearly everyone without seeming to expend any visible effort whatsoever.
Florida was bent over the balcony of a beach motel with her bikini bottom down around her ankles, a beer in one hand and a ready-to-lunge boner aimed at her crack. There in the Sunshine State, her boyfriend had developed a sudden urge to stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Georgia keeps her pubic peach shaved as smooth as a magnolia petal. When a lover dips his tongue inside, her sweet nectar makes what he has down south rise again.
Hawaii looked over her shoulder and separated the back of the hula skirt she wears to entertain tourists at luaus. She seemed to have forgotten her panties. Her man buried his outrigger in her lagoon, felt his coconuts draw up and erupted like an underwater volcano.
Idaho has grown so tired of hearing all those potato jokes that she’s come to hate the things with a passion. Still, that doesn’t mean she won’t French what’s in your fly.
Illinois knew she should feel guilty about letting five different guys fuck her in the past five days. “Then again,” she reasoned, “this is the land of linkin’.”
Indiana was really miffed when she couldn’t find her cheerleader’s sweater. But with a cock in her mouth, one in each hand, a really big one up her ass and another thrusting at her pussy, she was fully engaged at the moment in giving her all for the team.
Iowa may be flat as a board, but when her nipples stick out like pink silos on a prairie field, all the boys know it’s plowing time.
Kansas is a sexy witch who’ll blow you like a twister, screw you so hard you’ll think the end of your broom is on fire and leave you feeling like a house was dropped on your head.
Kentucky looked up from under her wide-brim hat and drawled that her lover’s come tasted just like a mint julep. Knowing she was only saying that to be ladylike didn’t keep him from riding her like a jumped-up jockey on Derby day.
Louisiana lay sprawled on a marble mausoleum lid with her knees drawn up, holding her pussy lips apart with her fingers. She is into goth music, voodoo and all things Anne Rice, especially vampires. Maybe that’s why she enjoys having flesh-covered stakes driven into her pale body on a regular basis.
Maine stretched out naked on a couple of CPO jackets in the bottom of a lobster boat with the look of lust in her eyes. Things were Bowdoin well for the lucky fella who was with her that night!
Maryland had crabs.
Massachusetts was a big-busted, narrow-hipped, slightly spaced-out student marching in a campus demonstration promoting the vegan lifestyle. Which is kind of funny, considering how much the little slut likes eating meat.
Michigan hunkered in the woods with a rifle sight against one eye, burnt cork all over her face and her jeans pushed down just far enough for her man to fuck her from behind. She hissed at him to keep quiet, but he seemed more interested in cunt than the hunt.
Minnesota looked so good sucking his cock that the guy she had just met completely forgot about the latest news bulletin to come over his car radio. It suddenly didn’t seem important that the serial killer known as “The Hook” was last spotted near that very campground. Then he noticed that the sexy, slurping stranger between his legs was wearing an oddly misshapen mitten.
Mississippi makes men moan by manhandling other minxes in the mud every other Monday for “mad money.”
When a doubter said he didn’t believe Missouri’s breasts were real, she had no choice but to unbutton her tight blouse, unsnap the front clasp of her bra and give him a good long look at her magnificent mammaries. After all, she was from the “Show me” state.
Montana’s most scenic wide-open space was in the fragrant valley between her thighs, where more than one outdoorsman has been blessed to discover God’s own cunt-ry.
Nebraska once was so horny she used a buttered ear of sweet corn as a back-door dildo, perhaps taking the term “corn-holing” a mite too literally.
Nevada was a naked lap dancer with double-D tits who did the slow grind on a vacationing businessman’s crotch. She whispered that she wanted him to come, she wanted it so much, she really wanted it. Afterward, she looked quite disgusted when he mentioned his desire to take her home and introduce her to Mother. Women!
It was New Hampshire’s idea to fuck inside a covered bridge. She wore a loose-fitting dress with no panties for the occasion, making it all the easier to tap her syrupy slot.
New Jersey is a lipstick lesbian whose New York gal pal eats her for hours, fucks her with a strap-on and diddles her G-spot to gushing climaxes. Try as she might, a girl just can’t find culture like that in Hoboken!
New Mexico was hot, but dry.
New York didn’t get laid until her twenty-first birthday, when she let her fianc have a preview of coming attractions. He sucked her big, all-natural tits. He ate her virginal pussy. He fucked her three times before sunup. Then the son of a bitch split for L.A. with her slutty whore of a sister. You try to be nice, and where does it get you? Screwed, that’s where.
North Carolina is a lily-white Southern belle who loves sucking big, black cocks. Her daddy’s plantation is a suburban split-level and her African-American boyfriends are university students, but there are some traditions that just must be upheld.
North Dakota’s last lover used surveying instruments in the hills to pinpoint the exact location of the border. Then he had her straddle that invisible line on her back, so they could experience an international incident. When he slipped out of her pussy at the moment of truth, his come shot all the way from her American canyon to her Canadian peaks.
Ohio was round at both ends and high in the middle.
When Oklahoma pushes down her panties and spreads her slender legs on a beautiful morning, you’ll know that everything’s going your way.
Oregon was hitchhiking in a red flannel shirt that showed off her impressive rack when a motorist picked her up outside Portland. She produced a gun and told him to hand over his wallet. He asked if that meant he wasn’t going to get any pussy. She replied that he might get a handjob if he cooperated, but bolted from the car at the next stoplight. Women!
Pennsylvania likes Dutch ovens and buggy whips.
Rhode Island is a five-foot-nothing, pocket-size babe with big tits that are totally out of proportion to her petite body. Asked what kind of sex she prefers, she enigmatically answers, “I like guys who go to Brown.”
South Carolina had an amazing pair of jugs, a narrow waist, deliciously long legs and a cock. Note to self: Scope out the local bars a little bit more carefully before the next road trip.
South Dakota was a nineteen-year-old Native American nymphomaniac with jet-black hair that came to a point just above the spread crack of her ass. As she knelt naked in the king-size bed she warned the man kneeling behind her, “If you make any Indian jokes, I’ll go on the warpath.” He managed to keep quiet as he plunged his totem pole inside her firepit.
Tennessee waltzed naked into the living room of the fraternity house with a bottle of whisky in each outstretched hand. “All right guys! The train to Gashville leaves the station in two minutes,” she said, gyrating toward the bedroom. “All aboard!”
Don’t mess with Texas.
Utah likes margaritas, oral sex and just about anything else that her Bible-thumping parents would disapprove of. “I may be from Salt Lake City,” she says, brandishing a bottle of tequila and jiggling topless to a gangsta rap CD. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t lick salt off my titties!”
Vermont has a 4.0 average in Women’s Studies and a “Lesbians Forever” bumper sticker on the back of her Volvo, but she likes to get laid at least once a month by a penis-owning fuck-buddy from a neighboring college. When one of her fellow female students said that showed a disappointing lack of Sapphic solidarity, Vermont wittily replied, “Eat me.”
Virginia got busted for having loud, sweaty group sex on a live public-access cable TV show called Virginia’s Four Lovers.
Washington’s likes include outdoor sex in the rain and nature. Her dislikes include mud in her crack and bouts of double pneumonia.
West Virginia whipped off her patched overalls, her shitkicker boots and her Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt. She climbed naked onto the ripped front seat of the wrecked and rusted Chevy in the overgrown field. “Come on and fuck me right quick,” she drawled, sticking a finger deep in her bushy pussy. One of her freckled cheeks bulged with a plug of chewing tobacco. Her tits were as swollen as a dairy cow overdue for milking. And her cunt gaped open like an inviting hillside grotto. If that don’t add up to “almost heaven,” then what in the hell does?
Wisconsin was wearing skintight black leather and riding a fresh-from-the-factory Harley she bought with the settlement money from her divorce. Her first boyfriend had been a biker. She had never forgotten the way the vibrations from his Fatboy’s engine used to make her pussy, her ass and her nipples tingle. Now that she had her own bike, she planned to ride as many fatboys as possible!
Wyoming comes last, but has no problem with that.
Contact the scribe of St. James Place by e-mail at stjamesdawson.com
Back in the misty, bygone days of the Sixties, when our horny ancestors got busy in the wide back seats of all-American gas guzzlers to the strains of AM radio, one simultaneously syrupy-but-sophisticated song to be screwed by was Sinatra’s “The Second Time Around.” You still might catch that tune now and then as you scan the AM dial for sports scores or the latest report on how hard the NASDAQ is taking it in the nuts. Wafting in from one of those old-fart stations that runs ads for out-patient hernia surgery will be the original Chairman of the Board, crooning that “love is lovelier, the second time around.” It sure as hell is, Frankie baby. And in more ways than one.
HE GETS THE REBOUND, HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!
Spencer, a college junior, had a second-time-around experience last month after breaking up with a girlfriend.
“It seems kind of pussy to admit something like this, but it turned out that I was taking our relationship more seriously than she was,” he confesses. “Everything started out fine on our last night together. I called Tina and told her my roommate would be out for a few hours. That got her horny little ass over to my place in a hurry.
“She started undressing as soon as she was through the door. ‘I really need to get laid tonight,’ she said, tossing her shirt away and unsnapping her bra. Her nipples were already hard. ‘If you hadn’t called, I’d probably be shaking my ass at strangers in Cassidy’s right now!’
“Cassidy’s was our favorite bar. I thought Tina was only making a joke. Considering what came later, I’m not so sure about that anymore.
“While I stripped, she stepped out of her skirt. She wasn’t wearing panties. And something else was missing, too. She had shaved her crotch completely bare. And I mean totally.
‘How do you like it?’ she asked. Then she jumped on my bed and pulled up her knees. ‘Come on and eat my smooth little pussy,’ she said. ‘Get me all ready for your big, fat dick.’
“I put my face between her legs and started licking. She tasted hot and sweet and ripe for a good fucking. After I’d been lapping her for less than a minute, she said, ‘Put that hard dick of yours in me now. I can’t wait.’
“She moaned when I pushed the knob of my cockhead inside her slot. I went in to the balls, then started sliding in and out. Her pussy felt so good that I put my mouth close to her ear and whispered, ‘I . . . I love you, Tina. God, I absolutely love you.’
“She shocked me by getting mad and saying, ‘Shut up! Just shut the hell up and fuck me!’ She actually seemed to resent me for telling her how I felt. I kept on screwing her, but suddenly she wasn’t into what we were doing. The damage had been done.
“She pushed me off before I even came. ‘Forget it. Everything’s ruined now,’ she said, getting dressed. ‘You and your big fucking mouth. See ya!’ She slammed the door on her way out.
“I felt shitty knowing she only thought of me as a ‘fuck-buddy.’ I didn’t have anything around to drink, so I headed to Cassidy’s to drown my sorrows.
“That was when I learned how easy it is to attract girls when you aren’t looking for them. I had just sat down at the bar when a big-eyed brunette eased up beside me. ‘You look like the only guy here who isn’t a jerk,’ she said.
“I tried not to be obvious about checking her out. She was wearing a clingy, scoop-neck top that showed off her high-riding tits and a pair of really tight black satin pants that did the same for her ass. ‘Thanks, I guess,’ I said.
“‘My name’s Jill,’ she said, extending her hand. ‘Do you want to buy me a drink or would you rather just take me back to your place?’
“I knew this was too good to be true. Maybe one of my friends was setting me up as a joke and this girl would bail on me as soon as I dropped my pants. Or maybe she was a hooker and would ask for money. I didn’t care. Within the past hour, I’d been ditched by a girl I thought I loved, and before I even had a chance to come. I was willing to gamble that this stranger might be a for-real slut who really wanted nothing more than a quick, no-frills fuck.
“And take my word for it, she was for real all right. She sucked my dick, let me eat her out, bucked under me like a wildcat when I screwed her and even asked me to do her doggie-style. When I was holding her firm little buttcheeks apart and watching my cock slide in and out of her juicy, pink cunt, Tina was the farthest thing from my mind.
“Then Jill said something that made everything perfect. While I was thrusting in and out of her pussy from behind, she said, ‘I haven’t been honest with you. My boyfriend broke up with me at that bar tonight. I picked you up to make him jealous. But you’re really good. God, you’re so much better than he was. Keep fucking me.’
“I couldn’t hold out any longer. All of my backed-up spunk from earlier that night was ready to fly. I sunk my cock as deep as I could in Jill’s fuckhole and let her have it. She moaned, ‘I can feel it, I can feel it filling me up. Jesus!’ Then she was moaning with her own orgasm.
“That night love definitely was lovelier the second time around. And I made damned sure I didn’t mention the word ‘love’ again!”
SECOND-BASEMAN HITS ONE OUT OF THE PARK
Freddie, who works for a shipping firm, plays second base for the company softball team. “Our shortstop Rico asked four of us over to his house one night,” he says. “Guys only. No wives or girlfriends, strictly a boy’s-night-out.
“Rico works in the mailroom, so he didn’t have much of a place. It was a little two-bedroom crackerbox in an iffy neighborhood. I couldn’t complain about his hospitality though. That’s because it turned out that he wanted to share more than just a case of brew. He wanted all of us to take turns fucking his wife.
“Her name was Josie. She was one of those trashy-looking bottle-blondes who wears way too much makeup, the kind who hangs around bars where the cops show up at least twice a week. Her jeans rode so low on her hips that everybody could see the blue sunburst tattoo at the top of her ass crack. Her plump nipples stuck out against the stretchy material of her tube top, asking for attention and getting plenty.
“Basically, she looked like the kind of cheap slut who’s unbelievably sleazy but incredibly hot at the same time. Rico’s offer was starting to sound good, but it was still pretty damned unexpected though.
“‘Josie here is quite a gal,’ Rico said, putting an arm around one of her bare shoulders. ‘What really gets her off is pulling a train. Guess she’s just too much woman to be satisfied by one man, right baby?’ He cupped one of her big breasts in his hand and gave it a squeeze. Then he pulled down her tube top to show us her tits.
“You could have heard a goddamned pin drop in that room. All four of us were staring hard at Josie’s swollen tits and her bumpy pink nipples. Nobody knew what the fuck to say. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Ernie, our first baseman, was the one who broke the silence. ‘Are you serious, man?’
“‘Show ‘em how serious I am, baby,’ Rico told Josie. She gave a slutty smile, stood up and undid the front of her tight jeans. She pushed them and her cotton panties down her narrow hips. Her bush had been shaved into a narrow line above her slit. Her cunt lips bulged out like a split pouch.
“My mouth started watering. I saw Sonny, the centerfielder, adjust the front of his pants. Josie was making every one of us hard.
“She just stood there at first, with her tits hanging out over her tube top and no pants on. Then she said, ‘So who wants to fuck me first?’
“‘I’ve . . . uh . . . I’ve got to head on home,’ said Reed, our catcher. ‘I think you better come too, Sonny.’ Reed and Sonny both were married, with wives who hung out together a lot.
“‘Hey, come on! Don’t take off now,’ Rico said. ‘Nobody will ever find out. I promise. Stick around and give Josie a good time. She loves it, I’m telling you. Come on!’
“Sonny looked like he wanted to stay real bad, but he probably was worried that Reed would rat him out to his old lady. ‘Thanks anyway,’ he told Rico.
‘Sorry, Josie.’
“Josie looked petulant, sticking out her puffy bottom lip. She gave a little shrug. Reed and Sonny headed out the door. We heard them start their cars and take off.
“‘Guess that just leaves you two,’ Rico said, looking at me and Ernie.
“Ernie stood up. ‘You’re goddamned right it does, bud,’ he said, unhitching his belt and dropping his pants. ‘Let’s go, Josie.’ He took her by the hand and started walking her down the hall toward the bedroom.
“‘No, dude,’ Rico said. ‘Do her right here on the floor. She doesn’t get off unless she has an audience.’
“Ernie looked like he was going to say something. Josie shut him up by putting a finger against his lips. Then she went to her knees and pulled down his boxers. She firmly gripped his stiff dick and started sucking it. Ernie forgot about me and Rico real fast.
“Seeing her lick and suck Ernie’s cock made me even hornier. I wished I had been quicker about calling ‘first dibs’ on screwing Josie. She was bobbing up and down on his dick like a porn star. When she stretched out on the carpet and Ernie started fucking her, I was worried that I might come just from watching the two of them.
“Josie wrapped her legs around Ernie’s back and ground her pussy against him. Her crotch was tilted up. She was so wet that her juices were running from her cunt around to her little brown asshole.
“‘Come inside her pussy,’ Rico said from the couch. He had taken out his prick and was jerking it.
“Ernie groaned and started pumping faster and faster. He shouted out, ‘Shit, I’m coming! I’m coming!’ He grimaced as he shot his load deep inside Rico’s trampy wife.
“I’d never done a ‘sloppy seconds’ screw before, but I was so hot and hard that I didn’t even consider turning this one down. As soon as Ernie pulled out of Josie’s snatch, I got between her legs on the floor. She held her pussy open with her fingertips. I slipped my cock inside that creamy slit. I sucked one of her oversized tits while I pumped in and out of her box. She was slick and soft and warm inside, from her own juices and Ernie’s come. That probably should have put me off, but it was an unexpected turn-on.
“‘Stick your finger up my asshole,’ Josie said. ‘Finger my hot ass while you fuck me. I like that.’
“I reached around and pushed my middle finger deep inside her asshole. This was too much. She was so goddamned nasty, writhing and moaning under me, right in front of Ernie and her husband. I actually was glad that I had gone second. This way, she was already primed and sweaty and totally fucking into it. The two guys who had left early didn’t know what they were missing.
“Josie started whimpering through a climax, almost crying, her whole body trembling. That did it for me. I let loose and gave her pussy a big second helping of come.
“There’s an old saying that ‘second place is the first loser,’ but I definitely felt like a winner that night!”
EX HITS THE SPOT FOR DIVORCED PLAYER
“Sure, I know that song ‘The Second Time Around,’” says Steve, a divorced bond trader. “I heard it at a shopping mall the day after the first time that I fucked my ex-wife, so it kind of stuck in my head.
“We had split on pretty harsh terms. Missy found out I was cheating with one of her friends, and she went ballistic. I don’t mean she discovered a scribbled phone number in my pants pocket, either. Missy came home early from work one day and caught me butt-fucking her best friend, right in our bed.
“We weren’t being quiet about it, either. Missy’s dirty-mouthed friend was on all fours and groaning, ‘Fuck my ass! Shove it deep! Stick it in as deep as you can!’ I was pumping her so hard the headboard was slamming against the wall and the bedsprings were ready to pop. Missy’s friend was squeezing my balls. I was squeezing one of her big tits. It was heaven.
“Then I saw Missy standing in the bedroom doorway. She was so furious she couldn’t speak, but the look on her face said it all. I quickly pulled out of her friend’s ass so I could try defending myself, as if any explanation was possible. Slipping my cock out of her asshole wound up being my undoing, actually. Missy’s friend’s butthole was so tight that by the time I finally pulled myself out I couldn’t stop myself from coming. I spurted my load all over. What didn’t land on her ass wound up staining the expensive sheets that Missy’s mother had given us for our anniversary. So much for that marriage!
“Missy wouldn’t have anything to do with me for the next six months. Then a funny thing happened after our divorce was final. She showed up unannounced at my apartment on a Friday night. She was in a tight, short dress and looked fucking fantastic.
“I didn’t know if she had joined a spa or had a makeover or both. Standing there in the hall, she hiked up the hem of her dress to show me her crotch. Her pubic hair was trimmed just the way I remembered. She wasn’t wearing a wedding ring anymore, but I saw she had gotten a different kind of ring. A bright gold band dangled from one of the pink inner lips of her pussy. It was quite erotic.
“She said, ‘Do you still want some of this, or should I find somebody else to fuck me tonight?’
“I swear, we never had better sex than what we had that night. I knew that part of the reason Missy had dropped by probably was to make me feel like a fucking idiot for screwing up our marriage. She made an extra effort to do everything better than before just to drive the point home.
“She had learned how to deep throat my cock instead of just bobbing on its head. When she had my whole dick down her throat, she kept sucking like she wanted more. The things she did with her tongue made me wonder if she had taken private lessons from a high-dollar hooker.
“When I fucked Missy, she used the muscles of her pussy to clamp down hard on my cock. The way she clenched and released made it feel like her cunt was massaging the length of my meat.
“When she knew I was ready to explode, Missy said, ‘Pull your dick out and come on my tits. I want you to shoot your come all over my tits and my face.’ That was definitely a new thing. Before and during our marriage, she always got kind of disgusted if I did something like pull out and come on her stomach. She couldn’t wipe the stuff off fast enough back then.
“That’s why I wasn’t about to pass up her generous offer. I slid my hard-on out of her snapping cunt and straddled her body. She grabbed my stiff dick and jerked me off. My come shot onto her tits, her stiff nipples and her perfectly made-up face. She rubbed the stuff into her skin like it was lotion. Then she licked her palms clean.
“If her plan had been to make me feel stupid for cheating on her, she sure as hell succeeded. I was crazy about her all over again.
“Was I crazy enough to marry her a second time? Fuck, no! I’ve got too many other old girlfriends I want to give a second chance. Who knows? Maybe a few of them have learned some new tricks, too!”
Contact the scribe of St. James Place at stjamesdawson.com
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