What’s the current state of sex in America? To answer that smutty question, our team of crack researchers researched cracks from coast to coast to get the “lay of the land.” They sucked. They fucked. They kissed and they told.
After their extensive findings were in, the project manager suggested that each state could be represented by a single representative female. Field crew members had their doubts as to the scientific validity or usefulness of such a limited guide but then again, they were so chapped, dehydrated, exhausted and just plain screwed out that they were in no condition to argue with the lazy prick.
The sweaty, salacious and sometimes startling results of this groundbreaking project appear below.
Alabama is a mocha-skinned pre-med student giving a nude dorm-room massage on a humid, moon-drenched night. After she finishes rubbing her nipples against her lover’s back, she turns him over to whistle his dickie.
Alaska burrows under a down-filled comforter to grab her man’s cock like a grizzly bear snatching a salmon from a stream. When he can’t take any more of her warm mouth, she gets on all fours so he can fill her pipeline.
While skinny-dipping Arizona’s rich parents were away, she told her boyfriend to sit on the diving board of the family pool. She climbed on his lap to engulf his cock with her snug pussy, pushing her cocoa-buttered tits against his chest. Then she bounced up and down on his cock so hard that his balls went off like a cannon as they tumbled into the water.
Arkansas caught a stranger staring as she scratched a pink cheek that hung out of her Daisy Duke cutoffs. She asked if he had a blanket in the back of his pickup, where he ended up banging her so hard that one of his rear shocks needed replacing. The guy figured it had been worth it, to get his little rocks off.
California was a bronze, blonde bitch with her face between another girl’s legs, a dick up her ass and another in her cunt, enjoying herself so much that she almost forgot that her boyfriend was taping it all to sell on the Internet.
Colorado isn’t crazy about changing the sheets for the out-of-state skiers who stay at the lodge where she works as a housekeeper, but she definitely enjoys the tips. Especially the big, purple ones at the ends of generous millionaire’s cocks.
Connecticut was something of a wild girl in college before marrying a strait-laced Stamford stockbroker. These days, if she didn’t screw her husband’s best friend three times a week, she’d be practically celibate.
Delaware is a trashy tramp who turns tricks by the train tracks with truckers, trawlermen and trannies. When she’s not trolling for trousertrout and trouble, she likes taking trips to the Transvaal.
The District of Columbia is a lazy, languidly lascivious lover. And just like the majority of our nation’s elected representatives, she screws nearly everyone without seeming to expend any visible effort whatsoever.
Florida was bent over the balcony of a beach motel with her bikini bottom down around her ankles, a beer in one hand and a ready-to-lunge boner aimed at her crack. There in the Sunshine State, her boyfriend had developed a sudden urge to stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Georgia keeps her pubic peach shaved as smooth as a magnolia petal. When a lover dips his tongue inside, her sweet nectar makes what he has down south rise again.
Hawaii looked over her shoulder and separated the back of the hula skirt she wears to entertain tourists at luaus. She seemed to have forgotten her panties. Her man buried his outrigger in her lagoon, felt his coconuts draw up and erupted like an underwater volcano.
Idaho has grown so tired of hearing all those potato jokes that she’s come to hate the things with a passion. Still, that doesn’t mean she won’t French what’s in your fly.
Illinois knew she should feel guilty about letting five different guys fuck her in the past five days. “Then again,” she reasoned, “this is the land of linkin’.”
Indiana was really miffed when she couldn’t find her cheerleader’s sweater. But with a cock in her mouth, one in each hand, a really big one up her ass and another thrusting at her pussy, she was fully engaged at the moment in giving her all for the team.
Iowa may be flat as a board, but when her nipples stick out like pink silos on a prairie field, all the boys know it’s plowing time.
Kansas is a sexy witch who’ll blow you like a twister, screw you so hard you’ll think the end of your broom is on fire and leave you feeling like a house was dropped on your head.
Kentucky looked up from under her wide-brim hat and drawled that her lover’s come tasted just like a mint julep. Knowing she was only saying that to be ladylike didn’t keep him from riding her like a jumped-up jockey on Derby day.
Louisiana lay sprawled on a marble mausoleum lid with her knees drawn up, holding her pussy lips apart with her fingers. She is into goth music, voodoo and all things Anne Rice, especially vampires. Maybe that’s why she enjoys having flesh-covered stakes driven into her pale body on a regular basis.
Maine stretched out naked on a couple of CPO jackets in the bottom of a lobster boat with the look of lust in her eyes. Things were Bowdoin well for the lucky fella who was with her that night!
Maryland had crabs.
Massachusetts was a big-busted, narrow-hipped, slightly spaced-out student marching in a campus demonstration promoting the vegan lifestyle. Which is kind of funny, considering how much the little slut likes eating meat.
Michigan hunkered in the woods with a rifle sight against one eye, burnt cork all over her face and her jeans pushed down just far enough for her man to fuck her from behind. She hissed at him to keep quiet, but he seemed more interested in cunt than the hunt.
Minnesota looked so good sucking his cock that the guy she had just met completely forgot about the latest news bulletin to come over his car radio. It suddenly didn’t seem important that the serial killer known as “The Hook” was last spotted near that very campground. Then he noticed that the sexy, slurping stranger between his legs was wearing an oddly misshapen mitten.
Mississippi makes men moan by manhandling other minxes in the mud every other Monday for “mad money.”
When a doubter said he didn’t believe Missouri’s breasts were real, she had no choice but to unbutton her tight blouse, unsnap the front clasp of her bra and give him a good long look at her magnificent mammaries. After all, she was from the “Show me” state.
Montana’s most scenic wide-open space was in the fragrant valley between her thighs, where more than one outdoorsman has been blessed to discover God’s own cunt-ry.
Nebraska once was so horny she used a buttered ear of sweet corn as a back-door dildo, perhaps taking the term “corn-holing” a mite too literally.
Nevada was a naked lap dancer with double-D tits who did the slow grind on a vacationing businessman’s crotch. She whispered that she wanted him to come, she wanted it so much, she really wanted it. Afterward, she looked quite disgusted when he mentioned his desire to take her home and introduce her to Mother. Women!
It was New Hampshire’s idea to fuck inside a covered bridge. She wore a loose-fitting dress with no panties for the occasion, making it all the easier to tap her syrupy slot.
New Jersey is a lipstick lesbian whose New York gal pal eats her for hours, fucks her with a strap-on and diddles her G-spot to gushing climaxes. Try as she might, a girl just can’t find culture like that in Hoboken!
New Mexico was hot, but dry.
New York didn’t get laid until her twenty-first birthday, when she let her fianc have a preview of coming attractions. He sucked her big, all-natural tits. He ate her virginal pussy. He fucked her three times before sunup. Then the son of a bitch split for L.A. with her slutty whore of a sister. You try to be nice, and where does it get you? Screwed, that’s where.
North Carolina is a lily-white Southern belle who loves sucking big, black cocks. Her daddy’s plantation is a suburban split-level and her African-American boyfriends are university students, but there are some traditions that just must be upheld.
North Dakota’s last lover used surveying instruments in the hills to pinpoint the exact location of the border. Then he had her straddle that invisible line on her back, so they could experience an international incident. When he slipped out of her pussy at the moment of truth, his come shot all the way from her American canyon to her Canadian peaks.
Ohio was round at both ends and high in the middle.
When Oklahoma pushes down her panties and spreads her slender legs on a beautiful morning, you’ll know that everything’s going your way.
Oregon was hitchhiking in a red flannel shirt that showed off her impressive rack when a motorist picked her up outside Portland. She produced a gun and told him to hand over his wallet. He asked if that meant he wasn’t going to get any pussy. She replied that he might get a handjob if he cooperated, but bolted from the car at the next stoplight. Women!
Pennsylvania likes Dutch ovens and buggy whips.
Rhode Island is a five-foot-nothing, pocket-size babe with big tits that are totally out of proportion to her petite body. Asked what kind of sex she prefers, she enigmatically answers, “I like guys who go to Brown.”
South Carolina had an amazing pair of jugs, a narrow waist, deliciously long legs and a cock. Note to self: Scope out the local bars a little bit more carefully before the next road trip.
South Dakota was a nineteen-year-old Native American nymphomaniac with jet-black hair that came to a point just above the spread crack of her ass. As she knelt naked in the king-size bed she warned the man kneeling behind her, “If you make any Indian jokes, I’ll go on the warpath.” He managed to keep quiet as he plunged his totem pole inside her firepit.
Tennessee waltzed naked into the living room of the fraternity house with a bottle of whisky in each outstretched hand. “All right guys! The train to Gashville leaves the station in two minutes,” she said, gyrating toward the bedroom. “All aboard!”
Don’t mess with Texas.
Utah likes margaritas, oral sex and just about anything else that her Bible-thumping parents would disapprove of. “I may be from Salt Lake City,” she says, brandishing a bottle of tequila and jiggling topless to a gangsta rap CD. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t lick salt off my titties!”
Vermont has a 4.0 average in Women’s Studies and a “Lesbians Forever” bumper sticker on the back of her Volvo, but she likes to get laid at least once a month by a penis-owning fuck-buddy from a neighboring college. When one of her fellow female students said that showed a disappointing lack of Sapphic solidarity, Vermont wittily replied, “Eat me.”
Virginia got busted for having loud, sweaty group sex on a live public-access cable TV show called Virginia’s Four Lovers.
Washington’s likes include outdoor sex in the rain and nature. Her dislikes include mud in her crack and bouts of double pneumonia.
West Virginia whipped off her patched overalls, her shitkicker boots and her Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt. She climbed naked onto the ripped front seat of the wrecked and rusted Chevy in the overgrown field. “Come on and fuck me right quick,” she drawled, sticking a finger deep in her bushy pussy. One of her freckled cheeks bulged with a plug of chewing tobacco. Her tits were as swollen as a dairy cow overdue for milking. And her cunt gaped open like an inviting hillside grotto. If that don’t add up to “almost heaven,” then what in the hell does?
Wisconsin was wearing skintight black leather and riding a fresh-from-the-factory Harley she bought with the settlement money from her divorce. Her first boyfriend had been a biker. She had never forgotten the way the vibrations from his Fatboy’s engine used to make her pussy, her ass and her nipples tingle. Now that she had her own bike, she planned to ride as many fatboys as possible!
Wyoming comes last, but has no problem with that.
Contact the scribe of St. James Place by e-mail at stjamesdawson.com