The folks behind “Sex and the City” are totally off-base when it comes to how real women feel about a certain sex act.
And that goes for cute country bumpkins as well as their cosmopolitan-quaffing cousins!
The name of this game is anilingus, folks. Ass-licking. Butt-munching. Taking a tantalizing tart’s temperature by tapping her tender tush with your trusty tongue thermometer.
Crack-snacking is not to every guy’s taste, but don’t kid yourselves, gentlemen. There isn’t a woman alive who doesn’t dearly love having her ass kissed, both figuratively and literally.
Don’t be put off by the occasional delicate flower who claims that her puckered rosebud is a no-trespassing zone. She may appear offended by any and all anal-related advances, archly announcing that nice girls never let a man go “around the bend.” But that, of course, is a load of crap.
What that type of girl usually means is that she doesn’t care to have your stiff schlong stretching her sphincter. Even a finger is iffy–too much like a stiffy. But would she really complain if your twat-tasting tongue should chance to traverse her narrow bridge of sighs to lap lovingly at her lunch exit? Not likely!
I have polled untold millions of women more or less on this subject, and every one of them agrees that there’s nothing more exciting, empowering, enjoyable or erotic than a fluttering French kiss on the fart flue. So how come two of the otherwise fuck-happy females on “Sex and the City” acted totally repulsed by the concept of “tuchis-lingus?” Are the show’s writers from another planet, where a warm, probing tongue doesn’t feel mind-blowingly good back there?
In the episode in question, Sarah Jessica Parker asks, “How did this happen? How did they get the message that ass is now on the menu?”
Cynthia Nixon replies, “I bet there’s one loudmouthed guy who found some woman who loved it and told everybody, ‘Women love this!’”
“Who is this guy?” Sarah asks.
Below are three illuminating examples of men who “go around when they go down”–and the women whose pampered poopers they please!
NOVICE NETHER-NOTCH NIBBLER DISCOVERS JOYS OF BUTTHEAD
“I definitely remember the first time I went down back there,” says Andy, a twenty-six-year-old bond trader. “I was a freshman at college and not too much of a dater. I was such a dork that it was hard for me to even invite girls out, much less ask them for sex. I got a little help from a buddy of mine who set me up on a blind date with his girlfriend’s roommate, a dance major named Jeannie. I remember what I thought when I got my first look at her: ‘This girl has probably had more sex in the last week than I’ve had in my life.’
“When I showed up at her door, she was wearing a stretchy black leotard top that fit her like a second skin. No bra. Her tits sloped outward toward me. She had really puffy nipples, the kind that almost look like miniature tits themselves. Try looking away from a pair of those beauties sometime. Below the waist she wore a wraparound black silk skirt that may actually have been a head scarf at one time. That’s how small the thing was. It barely covered her crotch, and it showed off every inch of her nice slender legs.
“She had the kind of face guys jerk off to in magazines, with dark eyes, a sultry mouth and way too much eye makeup and lipstick. She was smoking a cigarette, which I knew had to be against dorm rules. She looked beautiful, slutty and dangerous. And frankly, I was surprised she didn’t take one look at me in my wimpy sweater and Gap khakis and tell me to fuck off. Instead, she asked, ‘You plan on taking me somewhere to eat, right?’
“‘Yeah,” I said. ‘I thought we could head over to . . . ‘
“‘How about we forget the meal and you just give me the money you would have spent? I’m really kind of short right now. We can hang out here instead of going anywhere.’
“It’s funny. Guys are always saying that we wish girls would float that kind of offer. All of us claim that we’d prefer simply forking over the bucks up front to get laid instead of having to go through the whole dating ritual. When it actually happens, though, it seems weird. Not so weird that I refused the offer, but weird nonetheless.
“I said, ‘Okay, sure.’ Not wanting to seem cheap, I fished three twenties from my wallet. ‘Here.’
“She didn’t thank me when she took the money, she only stuffed it in a blue jar on her dresser. A lot of other twenties were already in there. She didn’t seem short on cash to me.
“‘You got a dick in those pants?’ she asked, sitting on the edge of her single bed. She took a long draw from her cigarette, held the smoke, then let it billow from her nose.
“I answered her question by unhitching my belt and fumbling to undo my zipper. She put a hand on mine. ‘One thing, though,’ she said, looking up at me with a very direct stare. ‘If I do you, you have to do me.’
“‘Absolutely!’ I said. Giving her head in exchange for getting some sounded fine by me.
“I watched her open wide and put her painted mouth over my prick, which was almost embarrassingly hard. The whole experience was so sleazy and trashy and unromantic that I thought I’d be lucky to hold out for more than thirty seconds without exploding.
“First she used her lips to form a seal around the ridge where my cockhead meets my shaft, probing my pisshole with the tip of her tongue while she sucked. Then she took more of my dick in her mouth, almost all of it. She wriggled her warm tongue around on the underside of my shaft. She cupped my nuts in one hand while she blew me, tugging on them gently.
“I held her head in my hands, slowly pumping her face. ‘Oh, God,’ I moaned, unable to hold back. ‘Here it comes!’
“She didn’t pull away one little bit. That skinny, sexy, sensational slut swallowed everything I gave her, and it was a lot. And the next thing I knew, she’d whipped off her little skirt, unsnapped the crotch of her leotard and skinned down her black tights. Instead of lying back and pulling up her legs, though, she got on all fours in her single bed. Her bare, compact ass was sticking in the air, looking very white against the black of her leotard top.
“‘Now eat my ass!’ she said, wiggling it from side to side. ‘Spread my cheeks and lick my asshole while I play with my pussy.’ She already had a hand between her legs, working at her snatch.
“Like I said, I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience at that point. I had never met a girl who was direct enough to come right out and ask for a tongue in her crack. I had also never ventured to perform that particular act on my own initiative. That was partly because I thought it might turn a girl off, and partly because it always seemed like a pretty nasty idea. But here was a chick who was flat-out demanding it. That made me positively eager to do it. Whenever a girl has it together enough to say exactly what she wants in bed, only an idiot would refuse.
“I got behind Jeannie and held her cheeks apart. Her crack was shiny and smooth between those firm, round mounds. Her asshole was darker pink, like a little puckered mouth. I ran my tongue up and down the valley between her cheeks a couple of times, then circled her anus.
“Jeannie kept rubbing her mound while I flicked and massaged her asshole with my tongue. Her little opening eased open ever so slightly, so I decided to take the plunge. I pushed my tongue inside her ass, driving it in and out like a cock.
“Jeannie’s hips flexed as she climaxed, drawing her butt cheeks closer around my face, and she made whimpering sounds against her pillow. I held on tight and kept rooting and probing her asshole the whole time she came. She finally pulled away, almost trembling with pleasure.
“That anal afterglow lasted about ten seconds. Then she told me she had a lot of studying to do and asked if we could call it a night. I got the hint.
“Maybe I should have felt used. On the other hand, what I learned from her about what women want was well worth the price of the dinner we didn’t have!”
YOU JUST CAN’T BEAT GOOD WORD OF MOUTH
“My girlfriend Trish is to blame for what happened,” says Paul, a real-estate agent trainee. “She was having lunch with some female coworkers when one of them started going on and on about how great her new boyfriend was. She announced that he was great at eating pussy, because he would stay down there for an hour if it took that long to get the job done.
“The second woman said that was nothing. ‘My guy knows exactly where my G-spot is, and he can make me come in no time,’ she smugly reported.
“The third woman at the table said, ‘Sure, but can he make you squirt? When my boyfriend fucks me doggie-style, his dick hits my button every time. I come just like a guy, and he loves it!’
“Trish felt like she needed to contribute something to the conversation, so she piped up with, ‘My boyfriend Paul absolutely loves using his tongue on my asshole. Sometimes he’s down there between my butt cheeks before I even wake up in the morning, licking away and just driving me crazy. And ladies, that feels good!’
“The other girls looked at her without saying anything, then quickly changed topics. Trish said she felt like crawling under the table. She couldn’t believe that women who would talk so casually about pussy-eating, G-spot climaxes and female ejaculation would be offended by the idea of a little oral-anal contact. ‘What a bunch of weirdos,’ she told me in bed that night, just before she sat on my face so I could lap her crack.
“As it turned out, Trish had been reading her workmates the wrong way. I know that because Coworker Number One, a big-titted blonde, showed up at the office where I work the next morning. ‘I hear that you like rump roast,’ she said, meaningfully perching one of her ripe ass cheeks on my desk. She leaned in close to add, ‘If you ever want to taste mine, just let me know.’
“About an hour later, Coworker Number Two walked in. The tall, slender brunette dropped her pocketbook as she approached my desk, turned her back to me and bent at the waist to pick it up. In the process, her short skirt rode high enough for me to see she wasn’t wearing panties. Her butt cheeks were so firm and separated that I could see her furrowed brown asshole between them. ‘If you ever want to eat my sweet ass, I promise not to spill the beans,’ she cooed softly.
“That afternoon, redheaded Coworker Number Three appeared. ‘Trish tells us that you have a sweet tooth for tush,’ she purred. ‘If you ever want to root in my canal, I’m all yours.’
“When I went home that night, Trish could tell something was up, but she had no idea that I had enjoyed a day-long butt buffet served up by her three luscious coworkers. I had lapped, probed and sucked their beautiful asses at an empty house that was listed for sale with my agency, leaving each of them delirious with pleasure.
“‘You look like the cat that ate the canary,’ Trish said over dinner.
“More like the cat that ate the cornholes, I thought, trying not to chuckle out loud over my crazy-ass good fortune.”
SOME GUYS DON’T GO FOR THE OLD SOFT-SOAP
“My boyfriend Rick would give my ass a little tonguing every now and then when we first started dating,” says Carly, “but I could tell that he wasn’t really into it. That really kind of bothered me, because nothing in the world feels better than a good, long rimjob. That probably doesn’t sound very ladylike, but it certainly is true!
“I didn’t want to come off like a tramp by asking him point-blank to give my asshole more loving, so I tried to be subtle about letting Rick know I wanted some attention back there. Whenever Rick would eat my pussy, I’d tilt my pelvis upward to make my asshole more accessible. I’d even reach under my butt to hold my cheeks apart, giving him a clear shot at my exposed asshole.
“Sometimes he took the bait, dipping down to make a few brief flicks at my opening before going back to my cunt. More often than not, though, he completely ignored my bid for anal attention.
“I could never understand Rick’s reluctance to please me that way. I was nearly fanatical about washing, so I always was fresh and clean for him in bed. I started to wonder if he had some kind of phobia that prevented him from giving me what I craved.
“I was almost ready to break up with him over the matter when he invited me to spend the weekend at his parents’ house. They were cool about us sleeping together, which we never had done. Even though we had been dating for four weeks and fucking for three, we never had spent a whole night in the same bed with each other.
“I hoped that things might be different for us that night, that maybe Rick would be a little more disposed to ‘get down and dirty’ because sex would be extra-exciting with his parents in the next room. I made sure to wash myself really well before getting into bed. I cuddled close, kissed him and whispered, ‘Go down on me. Really down. I want you to lick me all over.’
“Rick dived under the sheets and started giving me some really beautiful head. I pulled my knees way up, hugging them close against my tits. My asshole was right there for him, fresh as a daisy and begging to be licked. I felt like screaming when Rick took his mouth away from my pussy without spending even a second on my butthole. He slid his dick in my cunt and started fucking me. I fucked him right back, thrusting my hips at him, trying to take out my frustration in a bout of angry, energetic sex. That turned Rick on. He came fast, pumping what I could tell was a lot of come inside me. Then he rolled over and went to sleep.
“I reached between my legs. Rick’s come was dribbling from my pussy. I got some of that semen on my fingertips, then moved them down to massage my neglected asshole until I drifted off to sleep myself.
“I still felt tense and unsatisfied when I woke up at sunrise. Leaving Rick asleep in bed, I took a quick pee. Then I pulled on a T-shirt and shorts and headed outside to do some running, hoping to work off some of my frustration.
“I had an awful lot of frustration to work off on that humid Louisiana morning. By the time I got back to the house an hour later, I was covered in sweat and smelling very ripe. I was glad Rick’s parents weren’t up yet. I tried to be quiet as I made my way through our bedroom to the adjoining bath, but Rick heard me and woke up.
“His eyes went wide. I blushed with embarrassment. My grey T-shirt had huge sweat stains under the arms and down the front and back. My jogging shorts were stuck to my legs and my hair was plastered on my face. Rick had never seen me at less than my immaculate, perfectly made-up best.
“I tried to hurry into the bathroom and close the door, but Rick jumped naked from the bed and headed me off. He looked hungry and wild and had an erection that was so stiff it was purple. He grabbed me and started pulling off my clothes. I’d never seen him so horny. He licked sweat from my neck, my tits and my armpits. He got down on his knees and ate my pussy, taking deep breaths of my scent as he licked my tender cunt lips. Then he turned me around and bent me over the bed.
“I thought he was going to enter my pussy from behind and fuck me. Boy, was I ever wrong! Instead, he thrilled me by holding my butt cheeks apart and licking my fragrant ass. ‘Jesus, you smell good,’ he sighed, lapping the girlsweat from my hot crack. I pushed my butt back against his face. He responded by shoving his tongue right up inside my asshole.
“‘That’s it, baby,’ I moaned, arching my back. ‘Eat my asshole. Lick my beautiful, sweaty ass. God, I’ve wanted your tongue in my ass for so long. It feels so fucking good, so goddamned good. Lick my ass! Suck it! Suck it!’
“I was so excited that I actually climaxed that way, thrashing around on the bed, and Rick still didn’t stop eating my butt! I was in heaven, loving his tongue and his new hunger for me. That was when I realized what I had been doing wrong all that time. Rick didn’t want some squeaky-clean mannequin. He wanted a real woman, one with all of the flavors and irresistible aromas a real woman’s body has.
“‘You love eating my ass now, don’t you, baby?’ I asked, hunching up and down on his face. ‘Have you ever tasted anything better in your life than my nasty, funky shit hole?’
“‘Well, he used to like my Belgian waffles,’ said Rick’s mother from the open doorway before storming off down the stairs.
“I got the impression that she no longer considered me suitable girlfriend material for her son, but I couldn’t have cared less. Getting up at the crack of dawn that morning was the best thing that ever happened to my crack!”
You can contact the scribe of St. James Place at stjamesdawson.com.